Channeling Granny

maeve1

After sprinting several laps around my kitchen while screaming with my Bichon Roxy trotting behind agitated and barking, I finally settled back down to the computer. Had my eyes played tricks on me? No. There it was. The post with my husband Danny and me in our Addams Family costumes had made the cover of Freshly Pressed on WordPress. I had been told on a WP forum the week before that the chance of being FP’d was, “one in a million.” As I began to call Danny, another line beeped in.

The elation turned to frenzied panic. The Halloween brunch I thought I was having on Thursday, got moved up to the next morning. I only had 5 hours before going out for the evening to play tennis. I had just written about how I decorate for the season and not one pumpkin or witch had been unpacked!

So I did what anyone in my position would do. I threw myself into Granny gear. No, not the easiest cog on your bicycle; Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies! Do you remember when she sped up in fast motion, only stopping to catch her breath when she finished her project? That was me. I finished cleaning, then busted downstairs and pulled out all of the Halloween storage containers. After 5 hours of rushing around the house and decorating like a madwoman including hanging bats from the ceiling, covering mantles and tables with cheesecloth “webs” and setting my haunted table, I was finished. Now I really felt like an old granny; completely exhausted with my chest heaving while trying to suck oxygen into my lungs.

The next morning I woke up and raced to the computer. The stats were mind-boggling! After baking a slab apple cake and finishing the preparations for the brunch, I flew down into the basement to look for a ghost costume. We read a collection of short stories for the meeting and I had added a couple of my own. Dressing like Maeve from “Stolen Regret,” I wore an old fitted white dress purchased at a garage sale years ago and covered it with sheer curtains, topping it off with a pale blonde page-boy wig and red shawl.

Everyone brought a dish to share and as soon as the fun get-together began, it was over. I took a deep breath and looked around my house, pleased that all the decorations were up. We could enjoy them for the remaining weeks in October.

I went upstairs to undress and that is when the problem arose. The “invisible zipper” on my ghostly costume had stuck. I tried moving it up and down and it wouldn’t budge. The dress was fitted so it couldn’t be wiggled out of. “What am I going to do? This is so uncomfortable! There’s no way I can wear this for the next 6 hours until Danny gets home from work.” The unbreathable polyester blend fabric started to overheat my worn-out body. The long sleeves suddenly seemed too tight and binding.

I hurried back downstairs and peeked out the windows, but as usual no neighbors were around. I thought of calling someone to come over and release me from my claustrophobic wardrobe, but that seemed like a ridiculous option. Driving in the car to a friend’s house would be even more outrageous. I tried to pull the zipper down again, but the dress was so tight and it was in such an awkward position, it just wouldn’t slide. “Argh!”

“It would be so convenient if I could dislocate my shoulder so I could slide out of this stupid  dress.” I continued struggling and then thought, “If I were double-jointed I could just reach up and unzip myselfDuh! My elbows are double jointed and make my arms stick out at funny angles. Maybe that’s the whole problem!”

Movement caught my attention through the front dining room window. The landscape guys had come to mow my neighbor’s lawn! My heart leapt in my chest. I sprang to the front door and opened it wide. I lifted up the dress so I wouldn’t trip while running down the stairs. In full ghostly white make-up with blue circles around my eyes, blonde wig, and costume I dashed down my driveway and crossed the street. The three men gawked at me with blank stares.

“Okay!” I said, “First of all I want you to know that I have no shame.” They broke into smiles.

“The zipper is stuck on my dress and I need someone to unzip me. And if you’re wondering, I had a Halloween party this morning.” The thirty-something guy closest to me ran over to help release me. I turned my back and just like magic, he slid the zipper down my back. It was too embarrassingly easy!

“I am sure this will be a fun story for you guys to share. Oh well. Thank you!”

I spun around and darted across the street with my bra strap exposed across my back, thinking to myself, “They never said a word. I think they were in shock!”

As I opened up the front door of my house, a question came to mind. “How would Granny have handled the wardrobe malfunction?” I changed my clothes, went back downstairs to my computer, and shifted my fingers into Granny gear.

 When was the last time you found yourself in hyper-drive?

Have you ever been in an unavoidable and embarrassing situation?

Photo by S. Lindau 

Granny in high gear racing in a buggy. 

About these ads

19 Comments

Filed under Humor, Life

19 responses to “Channeling Granny

  1. Thank you Catherine! I have another one tomorrow night if you can believe it. Then my daughter is bringing her friends for a haunted dinner on Sunday night!

    Like

  2. That is absolutely hilarious! Good on you for asking those guys. Your Halloween event sounds brilliant btw.

    Like

  3. Hahaha…. An interesting and humourous tory….After a long time ..something so gripping to read through the blog…very well described and had vivvid images in the mind while reading… Congrats too for WP

    Like

  4. Fantastic Story and what an entertaining video too. Hope you are having a good fall Susie. Thanks for sharing a lovely post.

    Like

  5. Oops, the last comment was from me, not anonymous. Sorry

    Like

    • Thanks for reading! I am not sure what causes the anonymous gravatar to come up. It happened to me too!

      Sounds like you fly around in Granny mode every morning!
      Gardeners hahaha! I did change the title to keep everyone guessing~

      Like

  6. Anonymous

    Susie, great story. I seem to hit Granny speed every morning with trying to get the cats fed, getting the dog to the dog park in time to see her pals, back home in time to water the plants, walk my mother (long story) get mom fed and read hervthe funny pages all before 8:00 a.m. Does that count.

    As for your wardrobe malfunction, for a moment you had me worried that this might end up as a PG rated post. Nudge, nudge with the gardeners. Grat work. Keep it coming

    Like

  7. That’s for sure!
    I didn’t even know those kinds of restrooms existed around Paris. We took my kids and parents there in 2001. I can’t imagine what my mom would have done! Hahaha!
    Thanks for coming by and for sharing your story!

    Like

  8. Entertaining post! And boy, my list of hyper-over-drive and embarrassing stories is long. Here’s one:

    I was living in Paris and visited the countryside with friends. The restroom had those stand-up and pee in a hole on the floor-style urinals. I stood facing the wrong direction, causing my…fluid…to spill out from under my stall and into the restroom! As chance would have it, a bunch of French ladies stood outside, observing in horror. *sigh*

    Such experiences make for great stories once we stop sweating & blushing. ;)

    Like

  9. Great story! The only thing I have that could qualify as a Granny Clampett story would involve a blown radiator, too much Pepsi, and no available bathroom for miles. Given that help wouldn’t arrive for about thirty minutes, there were only two choices. The woods near the highway seemed like the lesser of two evils. Something I’m sure Granny would have chosen, too. :)

    Like

  10. Congratulations on the Freshly Pressed recognition. And your Granny Drive was hysterical. But you don’t want to be near me if I have to go there myself. I would wrestle a grizzly bear to the mat if she dared interfere with my hyperdrive rhythm.

    Like

    • Thank you so much!
      You crack me up! I think we all have the ability to go into super Granny gear! I am am better left alone to motor through unless bystanders are willing to wear protective clothing and goggles~

      Like

  11. So totally laughing at your expense! :) *big grins*

    Like

  12. Haha you poor thing but that is a most excellent story.

    For my Granny Gear story, every year I did Thanksgiving at my friend’s house. Since we were all college age no one was good at much besides procrastinating (cept me). With just a few hours to go before dinner, a couple of my friends decided to watch 2012 while I did some prep and cooking.

    Everything turned out great and the food was amazing. After the meal I passed out on the couch then went home to sleep and let the gang clean up the mess. True to procrastination form, the mess was waiting for me the next day.

    Yes I would and will do it all again this year =)

    Like

    • Hahaha! You have an excellent attitude! I bet you were in high Granny gear for that one! Preparing Thanksgiving dinner can be one of the most time-consuming events of the year. I hope your friends know how lucky they are!!!
      Thanks for reading~

      Like

Any wild thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s