Eyeing the Charts

It feels like I have a huge test hanging over my head every time I think about my annual eye exam. I begin the countdown by avoiding my reading glasses thus making typos in all of my writing projects. Then I strengthen my eyes by bringing the newspaper close to my face until I am cross-eyed, touch my nose and then slowly draw it back to strain my eyes into seeing the small type, causing huge furrows in my forehead that could hold a pencil.

Last year, I began experiencing an eye problem which compounded my nervousness in anticipation of the appointment. When I entered the ophthalmologist’s examining room I relaxed a little when I could read the letters and a couple of numbers projected on the wall. “I am going to ace it this year!” I said to myself. I tried to memorize the lowest line as we chatted and then she turned down the lights. You would think I could see the eye chart better that way, but the contrast somehow disappeared and my astigmatism raised its ugly head.

After flunking out with one eye, she moved on to the next. By now, I squinted while sweating bullets. “E A H K O P Z.” As I said the last letter, my hearts sank. “There is a number in there you fool!” I thought.

“Which letter do you see here?” She pointed to a blurred smudge on the wall.

I began guessing.

“A?”

“No.”

“O?”

“No.”

“X?”

“No.”

“3?”

“No.”

She sighed, made copious notes and then said, “Let’s move on.”

I rested my forehead on a machine to test for glaucoma. I kept closing my eyes knowing that a nasty puff of air would soon hit each cornea in a shock wave that nearly knocked me off my chair.

“Sit over here please.”

I did as I was told and looked through the humongous googoo-goggles which look like a metal owl mask and she began flipping through a hundred lenses to find just the right correction.

“Do you see more clearly at 1 (flip) or 2?” (flip)

“Um, I don’t know.

“1”(flip) or 2?” (flip).

“Um, I guess this one. Wait! No! Go back.”

“1” (flip) or 2?” (flip).

“I have no idea. Um 1. Wait! Is it better if the lines are thicker or thinner?

“It is up to the individual.” *

“Okay do it again.”

She took a deep breath and went through this process about 350 times. Then just like a professional Las Vegas dealer shuffling cards, she slipped the lenses into place.  “Now what is the lowest line you can read?”

“I can read the type on the bottom of the eye chart. Copyright 673AF.’”

“Very good.”

I heaved a big sigh of relief knowing that I was almost finished.

“Here is your new prescription.” She handed me a sheet of paper written in mumbo jumbo.  Do you have any questions or concerns?

“Well, I have been waking up with a dry eye.”

“Oh no!” she said as my stomach clenched. “Just one you say?”

“Yep just one.” That must be better than both eyes I thought to myself Oh please don’t let it be some kind of eye disease. My mother has glaucoma and it is awful to live with.

“Is that bad? What does it mean doctor?” My mind raced as she began to explain.

“You probably sleep with both eyes open, but there is less water content in one of them and that is why you are only feeling one dry eye.”

“My eyes open? Me? No, but my daughter sleeps with both eyes open. Well, not like wide open, but you can see that they aren’t shut all the way.” And I chuckled a bit feeling somewhat relieved.

“It is known to be hereditary, so she got it from you.”

“Oh come on now. That can’t be. How could no one have noticed that I was sleeping with my eyes open all these years.”

“I have no idea, but it can be very bad for your eyes and it can make you more susceptible to eye disease. There is only one thing you can do.”

“I’ll do anything, it’s so uncomfortable.”

“You’re going to have to tape it shut.”

“What? No way! I have been married for almost 25 years and already wear upper and lower retainers to bed at night. I can’t do that to my husband! Can you imagine? ‘Hi honey I’m ready for bed.’” I closed one eye and bared my teeth for effect. She wasn’t amused.

That night I taped my left eye shut. My husband didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to.

The next morning I found a couple of fine eyelashes in the tape and said, “Screw this!”
I turned off the ceiling fan and filled the humidifier. The problem went away in a couple of weeks along with using some rewetting eye drops.

But I wondered if there could be a benefit to sleeping with one eye open…

 

Which annual exam do you dread?

Do you think it is creepy to sleep with your eyes open?

*My new eye doctor told me that it is better when the letters and numbers are thicker which made my eye exam a lot easier this year…

All photos by Wikipedia

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About susielindau

I am a Boulder, Colorado writer and artist who loves adventure both real and imagined. Come with me. It's always a Wild Ride!
This entry was posted in Humor, Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

90 Responses to Eyeing the Charts

  1. I am going to make my mom read this post; she won’t believe the reason for my dry eyes is sleeping with my eyes open…and it didn’t happen until I got divorced and sleep alone….

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  6. Jean says:

    Eyes are so valuable. By coincidence, my partner just told me of a horrible teenage accident…where he had a burr fling by accident into his eye!

    Rushed to the hospital where doctor spent 2 hrs. pluck out the thorns. OMIGOD.

    As for eyesight..hmm the day when I realized I could not thread a sewing needle, I realized that I was no longer young.

    Like

    • susielindau says:

      I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope he healed up alright. It is amazing how much our eyes can take.
      For me wearing reading glasses was a trade off between having a humongous furrow in my forehead and tons of typos or wearing reading glasses. A did a classic last night. I joined LinkedIn and didn’t wear glasses and sent out an invitation to 250 email friends with my named spelled with two i’s! Liindau! Will I ever learn?? I guess I will always be young at heart. Hahaha!
      Thanks for coming by Jean!

      Like

  7. sonsothunder says:

    Laugh Out Loud For Real!.. Pencil holding forehead furrows…now.. “That’s Funny Stuff”

    “I don’t care who ya are…that’s funny right there”.

    Like

  8. Hahaha, I think one should always sleep with one eye open, you never know when someone tries to sneak up on you;) Glad you chucked the tap and went to the humidifier… that makes way more sense!!

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  9. OMG! You seriously crack me up! No wonder you get so many comments! Yes, I do think it’s creepy to sleep with your eyes open, and I can so totally picture you making those faces! So funny!

    -Jimmy

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    • susielindau says:

      Thanks James! I am so glad that you can appreciate my sense of humor. The only thing in the story I exaggerated was reading the copyright, but I could have! Hahaha! I am posting another funny one tomorrow so I hope you will stop by again for a giggle!

      Like

  10. Oh that’s funny, Susie! I have a love/hate relationship with eye exams now. Love it because my eye doctor is a doll, but he’s a neuro-ophthalmologist…which means I get some pretty interesting tests, in addition to the dreaded puffs of air (be easier if they’d let you hold your eyes open for that!). One test in particular lasts several minutes and by the time it’s finished, my eyes ache and it feels like I’m looking through a haze.

    The absolute worst thing, though, is thanks to something my mom told me when I was a kid. She had a crush on her eye doctor (must be hereditary) and told me that every time he got in her face to look in her eyes she wondered what he’d do if she kissed him. So now I think about that at every appointment and hope like heck he can’t read minds. :)

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  11. Oh, Susie, that is too funny! I’ve been wearing glasses since third grade, and I’d like to thank my third grade teacher, Mrs. Wheaton, for that. I know exactly what you mean when the doctor uses that ugly machine and flips through different scenarios asking, “Which is better, this one, or this one?” They all look the same to me. I can barely read the big “E” so anything’s better.

    I’m glad your problem went away. But, if you need glasses, they’re not so bad really. Honest. I love mine so much, that’s why I wear contacts.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

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  12. I’m assuming your husband falls asleep before you do.

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  13. Very funny. I don’t dread the eye exam the way I do dental exams, but I too have problems with the glaucoma test. I simply cannot leave my eyes open for that test! It’s not that I don’t try . . . blink, blink, blink. blink. blink blink blink. The doctor really should get it – it’s morse code for HELP!

    Loved the description of how you look with retainers & tape. LOL.

    Like

  14. Laura says:

    I always have trouble with the “which lens is better” part of the eye exam — it’s nice to know I’m not the only one! I always feel like I’m back in school taking a pop quiz that I’m completely unprepared for.

    Like

    • susielindau says:

      And it can make such a huge difference in the result of your prescription! My new eye doctor said to pick the thicker lined letters and numbers since you are seeing them more clearly. That helped me a ton in my last exam.
      Thanks for reading Laura!

      Like

  15. jmgoyder says:

    Glad all is well – what an hilarious way of describing a traumatic event!

    Like

  16. Nick Thacker says:

    Haha, great post, Susie! I HATE the eye doctor almost as much as the dentist.

    As a friend told me once, “dude, if it was the caveman times, you would be extinct because you’d be blind.”

    (It didn’t make sense then either, but the insult was not lost upon me…)

    Thanks for the message on Twitter and keep up the great work!
    Cheers,
    Nick

    Like

  17. Susie, you are hilarious! I haven’t laughed like this in a long time. Thank you! Oh how I hate going to the eye doctor. And the test has always driven me crazy. How are you supposed to automatically know which lens is clearer? Please, you end up feeling retarded. And the copyright thing was brilliant! I can just imagine you with the retainers and duck tape on your eyelids. Your husband must have laughed his head off! What is happening to us Susie? This getting older business sucks! Thanks for sharing girl! See you soon! Oh, and get a run in for me on the slope will ya? :)

    Like

    • susielindau says:

      Thank you so much Karen. Hahaha! You are so funny. I know. Ageing sucks! He actually didn’t laugh which made it worse. I think he was hoping it would all go away and thank the Lord, it did!
      I did learn through my new doctor, that we should choose the thicker lines which really helped me with MOST of the decisions. Hahaha!
      Thanks for stopping by for a giggle… : D)) I won’t be back up to ski until the week after next. Maybe the snow conditions will get better by then!

      Like

  18. Susie – I probably shouldn’t be laughing.. but I am picturing which would freak me out more… rolling over to see my boyfriend with both eyes slightly open or rolling over to see one eye slightly open and one taped shut.
    Tape is definitely creepier!
    I am glad your eyes are better these days. :D

    Like

  19. Salman Alvi says:

    The rallying back and forth between your ophthalmologist and you had be cracked up! Excellent blog post! Looking forward to the next!

    Like

  20. You are such a riot! I’m pretty sure that’s how my eye appointments go as well, but without the dry eye thing. I adore my eye doctor and he’s a total crack up, so I don’t mind going to that appointment. Now, the ‘women’ ones, yeah I don’t like those. Or the one where I’m so lucky they get to squish my boobs. Nope, don’t like that one either. Oh, and just so maybe you’ll feel better about your retainers… I have to sleep with a breathing machine. My husband calls me Darth Tameri. Guess you can tell how it makes me sound.

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  21. Woah… Fascinating stuff! No idea if I sleep with my eyes open, but I often half-sleep with them shut. ;) And since I found my new spa-like dentist, the only annual exam I dread is with the tax man. LOL Another fab post, Susie!

    Like

  22. I dread the glaucoma test. I can’t manage to even put eyedrops in my eye,so it freaks me out to sit there and willingly let a gust of air blow into it. I always blink and tear up.

    Like

  23. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Don’t you love it when they ask you to read the chart, and it is sort of blurry, guessing never works, I tried that as well. :)
    I wear glasses for reading and get my eyes tested every year, and every year it is the same. :D

    Like

  24. I do not like the eye test where they puff air into your eyes – you know the other eye knows what is coming – ha!

    Like

  25. Coleen Patrick says:

    Creepy to sleep with eyes open yes, but worse when I see the eyes being held open for Lasik!

    Like

  26. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I love it when you said “Hi honey, I’m ready for bed” :) That made me laugh, the vision.

    I used to be in an orphanage & there was a girl there who slept with her eyes open. In the open dormitories, she always went to bed early and we’d have to creep past her to get to our bed. She was SCARY!! it’s great your eye doctor identified your problem, though – that’s great.

    Loved the video! :)

    Like

  27. Audrey says:

    This one made me laugh, great light-hearted take on what can certainly be a stressful day. That glaucoma test is NOT fun! Glad you’ve survived and now nothing to worry about for another year. :)

    Like

  28. Kecia Adams says:

    LOL! My husband was bugging me yesterday for the eye doc’s number. His cute little reading glasses are losing steam, I guess. So says I, who has a small collection of readers secreted all over the house. Funny, I have no issues with the dentist, but it’s like pulling teeth to get me to go to the eye doctor. Thanks for the reminder!

    Like

  29. I’m surprised your ophthalmologist still uses the air burst for glaucoma testing. Mine uses some kind of drops.

    I don’t really mind the eye doctor. My least favorite medical experience is when I have my annual physical and the doctor checks my prostate. I probably won’t get much sympathy from a bunch of women who have to have gynocological exams, though.

    Like

  30. John says:

    The eye doctor sounds like a meanie! Glad you found a way to help. Never heard of sleeping with eyes open. My wife is having Lasik surgery tomorrow…. Noooo way man.

    Like

    • susielindau says:

      I had Lasik, but they messed it up when they did the mono-vision so I would have one eye for close up and one for distance. They corrected the wrong eye thinking I was right eye dominant. Now I wear one contact lens. That is sort of weird too. Oh well!
      Good luck to your wife tomorrow!

      Like

      • John says:

        Wow, glad it was resolved, could have been much worse considering the horror stories I’ve read about the surgery. Odds are that it’ll be fine though.

        Like

  31. Oh Man I blinked and squinted my eyes ..reading about the eye tests were discomforting…no one could ever put eye drops in my eye.
    sleeping with eyes open and taping them..oh my God Susie didnt it hurt when you took the tapes out..I mean i have no idea what kind of tapes they are but they sound painful..was it??
    Thank God you are ok now
    take care
    hugs and love :)

    Like

  32. mcolmo says:

    Hilarious! I dread eye check ups and dentists too. I don’t know which is the most abominable one…

    Like

  33. Debra Kristi says:

    I fear the eye examine. That’s interesting about sleeping with the eyes partially open though. Both my kids do it. I don’t think my husband does and I didn’t think I did. No one has ever mentioned it to me. Now I wonder. Hmm I can’t believe you taped your eye shut. LOL – Susie.

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  34. That sounds so attractive lol. Thanks for the reminder, I am so overdue my eye exam like by a few years :)

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  35. Loved your post about eye exams! I am like you–hate them and always feel bad when I fail…guess we are just over-achieves and want to be good at everything we do. I have to book my apt this week and for sure will think of you when my turn comes to sit in the torture chair.
    You have a great way of telling a story and poking fun at yourself…that is difficult to do but you make it look easy. Congrats!

    Like

  36. ConnieMaria says:

    Okay you totally have me cracking up here at work!!! The way you wrote it and your reactions were funny (although I am sorry you had to go through it!) lol. Great job writing out the event. I’ll have to share this with my coworkers. :)

    Like

  37. Melinda VanLone says:

    OMG I had to giggle at this. You described everything I HATE about going to the eye doctor. That constant “which is better, 1 or 2″ drives me up the freaking wall. I always respond with I don’t know, you pick! Interesting about the dry eye and a humidifier. I have dry eyes…maybe I should try your solution!

    Like

  38. Isn’t it amazing these days that we know more than our professional people?
    I still wear Walgreens bi-focals because of the cost.. but this had me smiling because it was reality at its finest.
    HUGGGGGGGGGG

    Like

  39. thanks for this one today! had to chuckle, because I sleep with night guards and hubby with air mask. At times I have to wear splints on my arms. So I totally feel the pain with taping your eye shut. And I don’t like going to the eye doc either, due to stigmatism… those silly owl glasses always fog up and you are never sure which one is better, flip back an for.
    Happy you got your dry eye resolved!

    Like

  40. Oh man, your exam was worse than mine. yep, I dread the old eye exam and, dangit, it’s coming round again. sigh. Oh, I loved the boys and their song. Great fun.

    Like

  41. The Hook says:

    Medical issues suck, right Susie?
    At least they generate great blog fodder!

    Like

  42. thomag1 says:

    I think you mirrored everybody’s trip to the eye doctor….well put; well done, Susie. Happy Monday.

    Like

  43. nelle says:

    Eye tests, ayeee! I’m on the bifocal bandwagon, and actually like them, but I’m weird. These are frameless, so they are ultralight.

    I have a dry eye issue (and don’t believe I sleep with eyes open) impacted by the dry of heating season, so I keep a bottle of Sensitive Eyes saline solution (12 ounces) on the nightstand, and pour it in my eyes when they feel dry.

    Best wishes!

    Like

  44. lovely start to my day and week Susie. I’ve never thought about preparing for an eye exam. too funny. I hate the part of choosing which helps my vision the most (this or (flip) this). I can never tell.

    Like

  45. Janet says:

    This was a great post to start my day. I was laughing at the scene in bed with your husband. Great delivery!

    Like

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