Monthly Archives: March 2012

For Your Viewing Pleasure – Flash Fiction Friday

“Stop garfrumpting. He’ll hear you.”

“I can’t help it. Look at her.”

“Oh my God! What happened to everything? Where is everyone? Bobby? Sally? Billy?” The woman ran up and down the deserted road where her house once stood. The new truck Bobby had bought her last week was old and rusty.

The two Forlucks looked through the kamkrit and watched the Earthling’s reaction to her first time travel experience as they both broke into garfrumpter which eventually turned into loud snorting through their long bulbous snouts.

“I wish Earth people weren’t so boring.”

“Boring?”

“That is sarcasm. It is a type of Earthling humor.”

From an overhead speaker the commander shouted, “Hey you two Forlucks, get back to work!”

~*~*~

For more sarcasm check out Nothing But the Sound of Crickets

Did you find yourself laughing along with the aliens?

For more flash fiction from the Fictioneers check out Madison Wood’s blog

Photo by Madison Woods

This is my 100th post. Woo Hoo!

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Nothing But the Sound of Crickets

Striking up conversation with random people is something I love to do especially when I am running errands. It makes a boring trip to the store much more pleasurable. Sometimes I throw in a bit of humor to add levity to an otherwise mundane situation. I think it surprises some folks so much, that it renders them dumbfounded.  While staring at the shopper/salesperson/bagger with a silly smile on my face, I wait for a reaction.

I have come up with an excuse for their blank dull stare after my feeble attempts to make someone smile. I just assume that they don’t speak English. If they respond by sighing while  giving me an eye roll, that’s when I want to channel Foghorn Leghorn. He’d say, “That’s a joke son. Now look at me when I’m talkin’ to yah.”

Foghorn_Leghorn

 

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Sarcasm is a sort of humor that is a form of teasing. It is often followed by the words, “Just kidding!” In Wisconsin, my friends and I were raised on a steady diet of this type of comedy along with cheese curds and corn on the cob. Continue reading

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A Very Strange Appointment or Where is My Crown?

I recently went to my annual dental check-up. Yes, annual and not 6 month since I rarely have a problem with my teeth. When I was young, I looked forward to the cherry flavored polish and a whiter smile. If you have been following my blog, you know that nothing in my life seems to follow the usual routine and this appointment was no exception.

After signing in with the receptionist, I met the doctor who would be inspecting my pearly whites. I had scrubbed them with baking soda back in the day and had abraded the top of a tooth where it attached to my gum. I would be getting the groove bonded and a cavity filled. Continue reading

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The Salon Confessional – Friday Flash Fiction

The woman had been coming to the salon for years. Michelle had listened to her drone on with the fortitude of a saint. As time progressed, so did the gossip and out of her mouth came snakes, toads, and lizards. Michelle didn’t want to hear the foul blather, but what could she do? She snipped her hair in silence and nodded.

One day, the woman regaled Michelle with the rancid details of her affair with a married man. When Michelle realized it was her friend’s husband,  a smile crossed her face. Continue reading

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Shhh! Don’t Tell Anyone!

Do you remember the last time someone said to you, “Don’t tell anybody, but…”

I would be willing to bet that if you were hooked up to a monitor, your heart rate increased along with your blood pressure.

I bet that you leaned in a little and your voice got lower in pitch and you began speaking in a hushed tone.

I bet that your eyes looked away if you were in a crowd to make sure that without even knowing what top secret information would be passed along, you wanted to be sure that no one else could hear.

I would even be willing to bet that if the person said, “oh, never mind,” that your curiosity would be peaked and you would be very disappointed and frustrated. You might even say, “You can tell me. I can keep a secret.” Continue reading

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Compassion to Concussions

I picked Trinity from The Matrix to go to battle for me in Clay Morgan’s March Movie Madness because she had it all: explosive strength, courage, intelligence, speed, beauty, and she rode a motorcycle like it was an extension of her own amazing body. She had those killer leather outfits, super cool shades and made the ultimate sacrifice to save Neo. Put in my son Kelly’s words, “Trinity was a badass!” Continue reading

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An Irish Haunting and Some Bailey’s

Lilly had waited in line to kiss the popular and probably germ infected, Blarney Stone. It had been two years since her husband Phillip died and she hoped that taking a trip to Ireland would give her a new perspective on life.

Once she emerged from the narrow staircase to the rooftop of the castle, a cool breeze struck her face. Kissing a stone embedded in the adjacent wall while upside down seemed silly and yet she longed to make her wish. “Don’t worry. I’ve gotcha. Just lean all the way back.” Lilly felt the warmth of the man’s grasp as she brushed her curly brown hair from her eyes.

“Okay. Here goes!” Lilly leaned out over what seemed like a thousand feet.  She closed her eyes and kissed the cold moist stone. “It’s time to find a new love.” As she looked up at the black-haired Irishman and saw the clouds behind him rush by, she heard a whisper in the wind.

“You’ll be happy here.” Continue reading

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Wild Hair Wednesday – My Most Mortifying Moments, Just for You!

I decided to share my most embarrassing moments. They are guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself. We have all had those times when our cheeks burned and we wanted to use an invisibility cloak or move to another country. If you have been following my blog for a while, then you know that I have no shame.  I have the ability to laugh at myself and see the humor in many awkward situations…..a few days later.

Here are some of mine in no particular order:

The time when I took a shower while my house was being remodeled. After stepping out, I began rubbing lotion on my naked body. Then I realized that a painter perched on a ladder was touching up the trim right outside my curtainless window. Continue reading

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Growing Up with Leprechauns

I was nothing but a wee babe the first time I dragged my sister out of bed on a magical March 17th morn.

“Patty! Wake up!” With thoughts of Irish jigs and golden treasure, I shook my little sister who still slept while curled up in our shared double bed. She rubbed her eyes and brushed her auburn hair from her face.

“Let’s see if the leprechauns came last night!”

We padded out from the bedroom of the small apartment in our matching zip-up pajamas. As soon as I entered the living room, something bright caught my eye. It glimmered in the early morning sunshine and it beheld the brightest gold I’d ever seen!

“Found one!” I snatched the gold chocolate-filled coin from the top of the end table.

Patty echoed my excitement and toddled over to the other side of the long sofa. “I got one too!” She grabbed the precious gem on the matching table that an errant little person had left behind.

“Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!” Dad said. He towered over us and his strawberry crew cut made him look even taller. He leaned against the wall while sipping a cup of hot coffee and wore the wool fisherman sweater my mother had knit for him. He smiled and watched all the shenanigans.

My mom joined in the hunt and gathered the coins in her apron. Her violet eyes sparkled under a crown of raven black hair. She had explained the day before, “The leprechauns are coming tonight. They travel all the way from Ireland and will be carrying a huge pot of gold with them. Some coins may fall out and left behind.”

Once it seemed that we had found every last one of the coins, we began looking for the wee folk themselves. Patty and I searched everywhere. We peeked in closets, behind the sofa, and the scariest place of all, under our bed. We could not find any sign of the elusive creatures.

Soon the only trace of them was the gold foil that contained the delicious chocolate. I remember saving them in my jewelry box, believing they were the most precious of all metals. As I wound the key and let the old lullaby play, I was on top of the world!

After regaling my friends of our encounter with leprechauns, I didn’t understand why they hadn’t gotten a visit. Mom explained that they probably weren’t as Irish as us. We were McCartans after all.

Just as I began to doubt my belief in the little people, my brother Joe was born. The Leprechauns started dropping those gold coins on Saint Patrick’s Day once again!

Many years later, the same scene played out with my own children. They ran from room to room giggling while gathering up those coveted gold coins. As they got older, they seemed to be hidden a bit better. Sometimes I would find one propped up against a brass vase at the end of May!

Now that they are in college, the leprechauns leave a bag of coins for each of them on the kitchen counter. I even save a little stash for myself. I have always been a collector of precious metals.


Have you ever heard of “Irish Diplomacy?”  

 It’s the ability to tell someone to go to hell, so they look forward to the trip!

How are you planning to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day?

 ~Erin Go Braugh~

Photos by Susie Lindau

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A Sexercise for My Book – 125 Word “Flash” Fiction

The sun slanted at a lower angle through the dirty windshield and he knew he should leave. “Just one more minute.”

Alexa’s afternoon of window shopping had been fruitful. She had purchased the sheer lavender cocktail dress that clung to her curvaceous body. She drove down the street, glancing over at the battered black Camaro parked in front of the neighbor’s house and then pulled into her driveway. Continue reading

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