Mary regretted taking the short cut home.
“I’ll give you a head start little girl. Ready? GO!”
She bolted from him, rounding the corner of the old mill as its blades dashed through the frigid water in the cold evening air. Then she passed a stand of evergreens. Snow covered needles fell in her wake. She slid down the embankment onto the ice-covered lake. After reaching the middle, she stopped to catch her breath. He was right behind her.
“Gotcha!”
His cold fingers grasped her slender neck. With a loud crack the frozen surface opened up. Mary fell forward and he fell in.
“Help me! Please help me!” He cried as he splashed around in the icy water.
She crept on her hands and knees careful not to break through and then began to sob.
Soon all she heard was the whisper of the wind.
She glanced down and screamed. He stared at her with pleading eyes while clawing at the ice beneath her. Then he slid away inside the icy tomb.
Have you ever skated on thin ice literally or metaphorically?
The photo prompt is by Lora Mitchell. Click on the link to check out more Friday Fictioneer stories.
For another one of my twisted tales, click here.
You are welcome to leave the link to your flash fiction in my comment section even if you used a different photo.
The wrong turn and wrong occurring moment could leave the wrong memories for a life time… at least she got away
She did…. I had a moment thinking of how she could get away and then I thought – ice!!! I love how we writers can conjure up whatever we want!
Haha… yes, at any given moment!
Oh, I like this one! Dark and twisted… very well done… especially the ending… “then he slid away inside the icy tomb.” Such cold finality.
Excellent wordcraft, Susie!
Tina swears my middle name is ‘thin ice’. It’s probably a good thing I skate so well! Lol!!
I have “skated away” too! Hahaha! Thanks so much. I appreciate your kind compliment!
Great writing Susie, you had me wondering right to the end about what was going to happen!
Thanks so much Ellie!
I didn’t know either until the end! I had always thought about the horror of what it would be like to break through the ice and see those above while the current sweeps you away….a pretty terrible way to die.
Smart girl. She listened to her intuition/instincts/small voice inside of her … warning her this was a dangerous man. During grammar school, taking a short cut home, I fell through some ice, waste deep. School mates saved me. I get reminded at every school reunion.
That must have been so scary! How ironic is my story. Waste deep without sure footing could have been fatal. Thank God you had friends with you!
Sounds like a story to blog about sometime…
Thanks Lora!
Eeeek!! You’ve totally freaked me out with this one!! It was frightening enough until I got to that last image!! Wow… this should be a scene in a movie or something!! Well done!!
Isn’t there already some such scene in the movie of Stephen King’s “The Dead Zone”?
Probably. It is not a new idea since people break through the ice every year.
Thank you Barbara! While growing up in the land of ice and snow, it was one of my fears as a youngster. My parents always warned me about skating on thin ice. In this case, it’s what saved her! Yay!
This gives me chills. Skating on thin ice seems to be a (figurative) way of life lately. Though, I have to say, it’s worked out nicely in Mary’s favour!
It sure did! Somehow when I began writing it, I knew she would “come out on top.” (pun intended…
)
Thanks Alarna!
From murderer to ice cube…that’s instant karma.
Don’t you just LOVE controlling life in our own little fictional worlds??? Hahaha! I mean, Muahahahaha!
Lame Adventures sent me over. Wow. Amazing flash. Great post!
Oooooh! I literally got chills! You’ve done it again. Skills, my lady. You’ve got them.
Another piece of superb work. You are on a roll.
Thanks CC! I appreciate that!
I am really enjoying the descriptions in your book! It is hot!
Very suspenseful and I absolutely love the ending. I fell through the ice as a kid and a stranger helped me out, never put skates on again.
Oh my gosh! I bet that stranger will never forget that he saved you nor will you forget him. I don’t blame you for not skating again.
Thanks so much!
Chilling! Mary was one lucky girl.
She was! But I think she may have thought there may be a chance that he wouldn’t make it across the lake. When I was growing up, the lakes we skated on were spring fed and every winter someone broke through….
Thanks Rochelle!
Definitely a chilling tale. And bad guys better think that resourceful girls may not turn out to be such easy prey. Very well told.
Mine’s over here http://anneorchardwriter.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/friday-fictioneers-partys-over/
Thank you Anne! I didn’t want anyone to rescue her, but wanted to give the impression that she thought it through before running out there…
Full of suspense! I’m glad she had the forethought to go out there.
I had to find a way to stop him and so did she! I find that as I write these stories, they become riddles that I have to solve.
Thanks Madison.
Love the story, love the imagery. Great writing. (I’m a follower of Lame Adventures.)
Thanks Samantha! I am so glad you found me through her. She really cracks me up!
Would that be READING on thin ice? (OK, couldn’t resist that one.)
Hahaha! That’s for sure!
He got what he deserved. Well told, Susie.
Thanks Adam. It’s fun to control the endings especially where justice is concerned…
Chilling! But, that’s where you were headed. You are so talented.
I hate thin ice and I lived near a pond and skated, a lot.
Thanks so much Lilie! That is so nice of you to say!
The last time I was in Wisconsin, I saw ice fishermen not too far from open water…
nicely told, full of loss.
Thanks for reading. It was a scary one….
I’m vewwwwwwy careful with the real thing. Have I ever been on the metaphorical kind? Well, I’ve been in deep ****.
But you survived to tell the tale and that’s what counts!
Great story Susie! I can’t seem to frame this one, though. I picture Mary on the ice with her grandfather, I also picture her on the ice with a serial killer! Perhaps you explained it somewhere in the comments section, but I purposely avoided it in the event that you did. I thrive on ambiguity!
Thoroughtly enjoyed it!
John
It is sometimes hard to project the tone. I thought that mentioning “little girl” in a derogatory way would set it up as well as “his icy fingers around her slender neck”…Are you avoiding horror today John?? Not me. I dive right in!
Thanks and have a splendid weekend in the Colorado sunshine!
Perhaps, but seeing as Halloween is right around the corner, I won’t be avoiding it for long! You’ll definitely notice a theme in my upcoming stories!
You enjoy that sunshine too! We’re pretty lucky, eh?
I love this time of year and writing scary stories are my favorite!
I look forward to reading yours!
Pingback: Flash Challenges « Anthony Richer
Very awesome Susie!
Thanks Brian! I am glad you stopped by!
Terrific – goose bumps up and down the spine.
Thanks Sheri! Better goosebumps than a stranger’s cold fingers….
Scary stuff, Susie. I was right there with her, running blindly and hoping for a miracle.
I’m over here; http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/friday-fiction-breaking-the-backs-of-angels/#comment-2116
Thanks so much! She really was hoping. You never know when a frozen lake might come in handy!
Although I always find your flash fiction vivid, I thought this one was vivid-er to add a moronic voice to the feedback. I could picture it so clearly in my mind, it was as if I saw a short film. Very solid storytelling Susie.
Ooh! Thanks so much V! I am working on being more vivid-er with every tale!
I have skated on thin ice metaphorically but am of an age wherein I don’t press my luck any more.
Pressing one’s luck is something to avoid if living a long happy life is the goal! Thanks Carl for weighing in!
It sounds like he got what he deserved but what a horrible way to go and what a terrible thing for her to try to live with and deal with!
Good thing it’s fiction! Hahaha! Terrible things do happen in real life too….I’m glad I have never witnessed anything close to that horror.
Brilliant thriller Susie.. i have never skated and after reading this ..oh man …
Thanks Soma! I appreciate that!
Skating in a blast as long as you “stay in the designated area.” We grew up on spring-fed lakes so there were always thin spots to avoid….
Oh my goodness! Great post. Isn’t it fun discovering your own endings?
Thanks Emily. It sure is, endings, comings, and goings…. I never know how it is going to wind up when I start writing them. That’s the fun part!
Skating a lot lately – ha! I love these posts:) Happy Friday!
Cool! Literally!
Thanks Renee and the same to you!
I feel like I am skating on thin ice every single day..
Well done Susie!
HUGGGGGGGGG
Thanks Linda! I know the feeling.
An icy tomb….I’m shivering. Good stuff. Great descriptions. Happy Friday!
Oh thanks Angelia! The prompt got me thinking about the colder days ahead…
Happy weekend to you!
Ice job!
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/
Hahaha! Thanks Scott!
Hi Susie,
Regret is a great theme, and I can’t imagine anyone who can’t relate, who hasn’t made some casual decision that led down some dark path unforseen. Also like the rich descriptive detail leading up to the cllimax. Ron
Thanks so much Ron! I felt that I needed to paint a vivid picture of how fast she was running without going to deep into her POV.
It’s those little decisions that we can regret the rest of our lives if we are lucky enough to tell the tale. I know I have my list!
oh, right, i forgot all about the picture. nice job. i like the icy fingers on her neck. and i couldn’t help trying to trim it down to 100 words. wasn’t easy and doesn’t read as well of course.
Thank you Rich!
I used to be brutal when it came to editing. When I blogged my Sexercise piece, I had to add a few words and I took a lot of heat for those adjectives. I decided that the story was more important than the word count.
Wow, that was really good! You are a great writer Susie! Growing up on a large lake, I frequently tested the thin ice, and learned when to stay off! Once, my friend and I were riding our bikes on the ice in the bay we lived in. In the morning, ALL the ice was gone from the lake! Thin ice indeed.
That is scary! I have such a healthy respect for thin ice. We have a small pond in our backyard and when it freezes I am very careful even though I would go out far enough to drown!
Thank you so much John!
You write the most suspensful stuff I’ve ever read. I want to turn away, but my morbid curiousity won’t let me, and I keep coming back time after time for more. This sent chills up my spine. Excellent work!
Wow! I just said wow three times. Thank you so much. You made my day! I am working on that!
I’ve come to hang on your words, Susie never knowing what to expect next. For me you developed a good sense of suspense with vivid imagery. If you aimed for horror, I think you hit your mark. Well done!
Oh hey thanks Rich! I did aim for horror. I grew up with frozen lakes back in Wisconsin and it sprang to mind when she was running and needed a way to be rid of him….. forever…. Hahaha!
chilling! Very well written and descriptive. The forest, mill and lake all popped vividly in my mind. I could clearly see it in my mind. The setting reminded me of a nearby lake and mill in a state park.
Oh cool! I guess I was thinking this took place a while back hence the name and the mill! Chilling is right! Hahaha! Thanks so much SF!
I always like it when the bad guys get their comeuppance. Nice job.
Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/homo-avis/
Me too! Thanks!
Saw it confirmed in the comments, but I got the feeling from the story he was a bad guy.
Great piece!
Oh yeah. Without the “little girl” reference, it would be really hard to tell..
Thanks Guapo!
Well done! (This may have inspired me to try more flash fiction.)
Well hey! That’s great! Thank you Amber.
This is one of my greatest fears. Not being able to save a person I love. I know it’s cheesy, but I wept during that scene in Titanic. Nice tight piece!
Thanks so much Renee!
That would be absolutely horrifying. This guy was a potential murderer or rapist so I think she had mixed feelings about him!
that thing is creepin’ me out! and yes, i’ve been on all sorts of thin ice. my life is lived that way it seems.
Hahaha! I am so glad that it did!
I’ve been there too and for me it means treading lightly….
Thanks Jules!
Many times
This is awesome!
Thanks Catherine! I think we have all been there at least metaphorically speaking!
Mary’s going to have nightmares about this! Then again, at least she’ll be alive to have nightmares. One of the most chilling (sorry!) horror stories I’ve ever read, all the more so because there’s nothing unreal about it.
Wow! Thank you so much!
Once I start writing these, I never know where they’ll end up. He ended up as an ice sculpture; a slight variation on the snowy prompt!