Category Archives: Humor

Discovering Blurred Lines and Booty Calls

Everyone has sung the wrong lyrics to songs, but I shouted the lyrics to a particular hit all summer at clubs in New Orleans, two weddings and fund-raiser not knowing why I got such strange looks. First of all, I thought Blurred Lines was called For a Good Time. I haven’t loved a song for dancing this much since INXS’s What You Need and you know I love to dance.

I knew there was controversy surrounding the video since Robin Thicke’s wife divorced him after it was released. I had heard there were topless dancers, but I lost my boobs last year and I love and appreciate real ones since mine are now 100% fake. I thought, Big deal.

A DJ played the song during an outdoor festival last weekend and I sang along as usual. Then I turned to my husband, Danny and said, “I have got to learn the lyrics to this song.” I tried to keep from dancing, but it was tough. After the song played in my head Sunday, I sat down on Monday and checked out the unedited video.

Here’s the unrated version I found offensive. WARNING: Naked boob alert for those of you at work. You may want to watch the tamer version at the bottom of the article.

Oh. My. God. Okay. So I used to draw naked people all the time in college and I appreciate women and men’s bodies, but coupled (bad word choice?) with the offensive lyrics, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. (Sorry. I couldn’t help myself). It was all about gratuitous sex and booty calling. Hey babe. You want to get lucky? It’s bartime.

“I know you want it.” So I knew that part of the song and I get that they’re naked and strutting across the stage like they want it, but what about the singers? They’re in the background staring, ogling, and fully clothed like they’re in a strip joint. My mind begged the question, what’s the message of the song? Hot girls get laid?

Did you notice how the models looked directly into the camera? It reminded me of this painting equally popular and controversial. Manet’s Luncheon on the Grass raised eyebrows and the ire of the community when it was unveiled in 1863. We’ve come a long way baby, or have we?

t_Manet - Luncheon on The Grass 1863 Continue reading

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Unplug 4 Hours – It works!

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I bet you’re addicted. Come on. Admit it. How many times an hour do you check stats, emails, social media or text messages? Is it hard to unplug? How long do you procrastinate before settling down to do real work?

Although I have found my passion in writing and always meet deadlines, I recognized my addiction to the endorphin rush of the internet. Reading blog posts, watching views roll in (or sputter) after blogging or checking comments on my latest Facebook photo had sucked me into the spinning vortex. Even though I start writing around 9:00 AM each day, I felt as if a party was going on and I was missing out. I had become a victim of FOMO.  Sometimes, I would stand and stretch at the end of the day, wondering where the time went. Continue reading

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The Lost Art of Whistling

The organic use of communication called the whistle has been around for a while. The original tweet probably was expressed by a caveman. He may have accidentally whistled while dashing home for supper. Later, it alerted his clan to imminent danger, meaning, “Dude! Look out for those crazed and hungry mastodons behind you!” Dinosaurs are extinct and the whistle is increasing in rarity.

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When I was a kid, I heard a whistle nearly every day.

My dad loved to imitate birds, even warblers. After hearing one summon a mate from a faraway tree, he would whistle to it for kicks and giggles. It would fly closer and closer. This nasty trick worked best on cardinals. Imagine their disappointment when the poor bird discovered it was only stupid human producing the intoxicating siren call and not a voluptuous feathered friend. Continue reading

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My Secrets Revealed on Podcast

Recently, I played tennis with friends. One of them mentioned, she and her husband would be celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I chimed in that Danny and I would be celebrating our twenty-seventh this October. “Not bad after dating for one weekend,” I added. Their collective jaws dropped.

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Memorial Day weekend, 1987.

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Independence Pass, July, 1987.

I’ve written three blog posts about how we took a leap of faith. Okay, it was more like catapult. At the time, it seemed very logical to get married after such a short time of dating. Later, we wondered what our kids would think. So far they haven’t run off to Las Vegas to get married after meeting someone new. Whew!

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October 10, 1987.

My blogging friend and author Neville DeAngelou has a very popular radio show called The Journey. He read my blog post, “Letting You in on Ten Little Secrets,” and asked if I would be interested in being interviewed. We Skyped a few months ago. I included my story, “Our Secret is Out,” which is based on “Oprah and Me.”

It is really hard for me to listen to a recording of myself, but it wasn’t that bad! I’ve told these stories about a thousand times.

I’d love it if you listened. Click the link below:

 Do you have any secrets to a long lasting relationship that you’d like to share?

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I can honestly say, my kids almost killed me.

Commemorating my children’s milestones has always included taking tons of photographs. I have boxes of them in the basement waiting to be assembled in albums. When they went to college, I framed and hung their first day of school pictures in our upstairs hall. I always smile when I see their eager young faces.

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To me, my children are a miracle and I am grateful. Not just because they are amazing, but because I was hospitalized with both of them.

Kelly was positioned face up and I went through horrible back labor. My body fought hard against giving birth to him. It was eighteen hours before I reached four centimeters effaced which is the golden measurement for receiving an epidural anesthetic. Once I could finally relax, I progressed quickly. When he crowned, I had nothing left, no energy at all. My doctor said I wasn’t pushing hard enough and he threatened to perform a Cesarean section. I begged him to give me another chance. I asked Danny to play the cassette tape I brought. Minutes later, Kelly was born to the sounds of Oingo Boingo. Danny filmed the birth. The mirror reflected the overhead fluorescents onto my hooha and the doctor pulled Kelly out of a heavenly white light.

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Hours later, I awoke to a crazy strong heart palpitation. Doctors and nurses rushed me to the cardiac care unit thinking I’d had a heart attack. Continue reading

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Pre-Podcast Jitters Pay Off

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I met Neville DeAngelou through blogging. He has a podcast on Blog Talk Radio called The Journey. In 2012, he read parts of my blog post about the ten little secrets to a happy marriage. I was thrilled. He has one of the most beautiful voices perfectly suited for radio. Back on April 15th, 2013, he emailed me with a request to come on his show. I responded with a nervous giggle, but never followed up with him. The very next day, I was pulled into the vortex that is breast cancer.

Flash forward one year. I’m back and living the Wild Life! Neville and I reconnected. He asked me to THREE shows for the Author’s Round Table Series. Sheesh! I had to catch my breath as my nerves set in. I agreed and chose Thursday, May 1st, to be recorded through Skype. I’d never Skyped. He wanted me to talk about my Boob Reports, secrets to a happy marriage, and give some blogging tips for a third show. *gulp*

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My daughter Courtney became violently ill on Tuesday afternoon. I picked her up from her apartment and drove her to Urgent Care. She convulsed her innard skinnards so hard, she tore her esophagus. Youch!

Dr. McDreamy, (with dimples no less) prescribed anti-nausea pills and a powerful antacid. Courtney came back to the house to recover. It was great timing for me since she helped me with Skype. I planned to postpone the interview if I developed any suspicious symptoms like puking my guts out. Her stomach upset must have been caused by contaminated food or I was extremely lucky.

The big day arrived and I hadn’t even looked at my old blog posts. Continue reading

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Another Birthday. Thank God!

It’s my birthday! Last year, I looked forward to being a year older. I couldn’t understand why so many people loathe them when we all want to live a long life. That’s the goal, right? We all want to live to be 100! To get there, you have to attain all the numbers in between.

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Five days after my last birthday, I had a routine mammogram. I was shocked when I learned I needed an immediate ultrasound. I thought I may not see another birthday. After recovering fully from boobectomies and reconstructive surgery, I still can’t believe I was diagnosed with cancer. I have never gotten used to saying that word.

As I hunkered down with close friends and family to heal, I reassessed. I looked honestly at my life and how I was spending my time. Now I surround myself with people who enjoy my company and support me. I’m excited about my projects and am working hard. Yep. I’ve got another one in the works. I’m sending my book to a professional editor on Monday. Whew!

I don’t feel any different about my birthday this year. I’ve always felt that life is precious. I am grateful to have so many candles on my cake and I plan to add a lot more. I am not a woman who dreads being another year older. I’ve earned it!

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Last year’s birthday

There are things I can’t change such as my height, the fact that I will never be a pro tennis player or a rock star, or the fact that I had cancer. But I can be a redhead! I made an appointment and plan to get pampered on my birthday.

Last year, I wrote a list of ways to celebrate. Number 1. was getting together with family. I’m looking forward to a celebratory dinner with them once again, but afterward we’re going to DANCE!

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 This is from my rain dancing days with the photo bomber.

My ordeal was more positive than negative. I’ve learned a lot about myself. With adversity, and the gift of living another year, comes clarity. I know who I am, what I’m capable of, and where I’m going. That’s my birthday gift to myself.

Getting older is a very good thing! 

Do you look forward to your birthday?

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A bad cold is just like this…

We’re all in denial when experiencing the first sneeze. We’re still feeling great.

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We go about our day and brush off that first little tickle in our throats.

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Then we notice something just isn’t right.

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Drinking coffee doesn’t snap us out of it. Continue reading

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Ramblings and Results

I hope you survived April Fools! April has arrived and another snowstorm is on the way. The joke’s on us.

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The worst April Fools’ prank sprung on me was through my computer. GAH! I am very particular about apostrophes so when I noticed one of my tags from yesterday’s newsworthy post read, “April Fool’s Day,” I freaked. I had double checked before typing it. April Fools’ Day is the proper way to write it, but I had typed in April Fools Day without the apostrophe since it was a tag. After mopping the coffee from my desk, I went into edit. No matter how many times I tried, I could not get April Fool’s Day off my tags. I even cleaned out my cookies. Then I remembered that I had noticed it first on my iPad and the edit was still open. I closed it, ran upstairs and then deleted April Fool’s Day, updated it, and added April Fools Day. It still came up as April Fool’s Day. I went back to the post I wrote last year and went through the same process. I may always look like a fool on April Fools’ Day.  I have a year to figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Grumpy cat April fools

Courtney is gradually recovering from her tonsillectomy. Thanks for your well wishes and checking out her blog. Now, I have a sore throat. I think it’s psychosomatic. After noticing a zit on a person’s forehead, one will sprout on mine the very next day! If I’m so good at imagining things into reality, then why can’t I imagine myself in great shape while looking like a thirty-year-old? My imagination only seems to work for zits and sore throats.

Diane Fallon

The winner of the caption contest is Dianne Fallon! “The Maniacal Traveler” brought a great post about a guided tour in Roswell, New Mexico to the Use Me and Abuse Me blog party and wrote a hilarious story about the seduction of Thin Mints. Congratulation Dianne! I’ll run another contest in April.

snowshoeing with Roxy

“I’ll never turn down a ride from a handsome stranger” – Dianne Fallon – Winner of the March Caption Contest

Speaking of Using and Abusing Me, it’s never to late to add your link in the comments and click on a few. Tell them, “Susie sent me,” and they should click back to your place! There were a lot of new faces in the crowd and I know they would love to meet you.

That’s all for now. I survived April Fools’. I hope you did too!

Were you pranked at all on April Fools’ Day? (See. I know how to write it.) 

 

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This Just In!

The Polar Vortex has affected weather patterns and has also changed migration. Geese have been spotted on the equator while Antarctic penguins could be found walking single file along northbound highways.

After record snow this winter, Colorado ski areas are considering staying open until the 4th of July. They plan to close with a bang.

Old ski photo Continue reading

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