April 23, 2012

How I Became a Mass Murderer

When I was a little girl, ants mesmerized me. While outside in the hot summer sun, I watched as they carried crumbs, leaves, and small twigs back to their coffee ground-like hills. I imagined the tunnels underneath like catacombs spread out under the crack in the sidewalk. Okay. We didn’t have cable.

Flash forward about a hundred years. A colony of large aggressive red ants moved into our back patio just after we installed an arbor. I had always loved these interesting little creatures while admiring their determination and strength. The movie Antz became one of my favorites when my kids were little. All it took was one nasty bite and the lovefest was over. Continue reading →

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April 20, 2012

What the? 150 Word Flash Fiction

Chapter 1  - High Hopes

“Now, let me see. Wash the windows.” Minnie’s list-making was interrupted by a low rumble. “Is it the end of days? On April 20th?” She shuffled over to the window in her pink fluffy slippers and peered out at the dust storm rising up over the hill.

“Oh my, oh my!” With her hair in curlers and still dressed in a housecoat, she grabbed her shotgun. Continue reading →

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April 18, 2012

Roxy’s Ghetto Mittens – My First Video!

A couple of weeks ago, my son Kelly showed me a Youtube video called Kitten Mittens. It was hilarious! I have wanted to learn how to video edit and after watching it, I recited one of my mantras. “I can do this!”

I took a photo of a gorgeous dog sporting proper little booties and enjoying après ski in Breckenridge last Sunday. I smiled as I visualized my first vlog.

When we arrived back in Boulder, I glanced over at my lazy Bichon Roxy.  I knew her obedience could be bought. “How would you like some biscuits?” She was a natural actress for my first film. Continue reading →

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April 16, 2012

KO’d by Karma

As most people know, karma can be a rude evil witch that blindsides us when we least expect it. To me, karma is the reaction to our actions in the universe. Sometimes it is negative and causes the boomerang to hit us in the face. Recently, I found this to be a fact.

I talked my husband Danny into having some freckles, (skin damage) burned off his face. The dermatologist seemed a little over-zealous and he came home with several dime-sized brown spots where the doctor had frozen them with liquid nitrogen.

“Look at what you did to me!” he said half-joking. Continue reading →

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April 13, 2012

High Hopes – 150 Word Flash Fiction

“Hello boys! I’m Minnie Taylor and I’m the proud new owner of Potts Acres.”

Justin gave Collin a look and reached out his hand to shake hers. “Hello Ma’am.”

“I just love it out here in the country. I reckon it’ll be perfect for my Bible camp. Starts this Sunday. You boys should come on by. I know there’s a lot of work to be done. Lord knows them hooligans been using poor old Aunt Mildred’s property for the work of the devil. See you on Sunday!” The chubby pink-faced lady turned and strutted out of the corner drug store as the two boys stood with their mouths agape. Continue reading →

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April 11, 2012

Birthdays are for Celebrating!

Woohoo! It’s my birthday and I am celebrating another year of life. I know a lot of women my age bum out at the enormous amount of candles on their cake. They may rush to the plastic surgeon at the first sign of wrinkles, but I’m different. I look at wrinkles as a reminder of the wonderful life I’ve had. It is one that has been full of all kinds of high and low points culminating one crazy Wild Ride. If my face reflects some of that ride, then bring it on life. I can take it! - Tilts chin up to imaginary ageing monster called life – Just don’t hit me too hard… Most of mine are smile lines anyway. Of course they couldn’t be symmetrical; life although precious and tenuous at times is rarely fair. Disclaimer – if I become as wrinkled as a Shar-pei or have to use Q-tips in order to clean in between the deep crevices, then I may consider doing something like using clothes pins to pull back the skin and hide the excess under a wig. Continue reading →

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April 6, 2012

Dance with Me! 100 Word Flash Fiction

Growing up alongside the river, she had never tired of the sweet music it provided as she danced along its bank. At times it mimicked a rhythmic lullaby, bubbling over rocks as smooth as silk and she would sway in time to its steady beat. Continue reading →

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April 4, 2012

Why April?

I LOVE the month of April:

Because of the fever! You know what I am talking about. Spring fever. It’s the amazing feeling I get when inhaling that fresh sweet scent after opening the doors and windows to air out the house after a long winter.  But then I start sneezing and quickly run around shutting all of them and have to turn on the air purifier. No. That can’t be the reason.

Because it’s mating season! The animals are frisky and even my neutered Bichon has more energy with all the good musky scents in the air. Birds do their twirling dance along with the squirrels. Soon the toads in our backyard will croak for a mate at night, sounding similar to a cow with its head stuck in the fence which is another reason to keep the windows shut. Nope, that’s not it either. Continue reading →

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April 2, 2012

Telltale Signs that You Need a Break…

This is my 101st post and it’s already April. When the notification and the gold star accompanying my 100th popped up on my screen, I thought, “Wow! It seems like November was just yesterday. I have been writing since last May. I should go outside.”

Blogging has become an integral part of my life and sometimes I forget to take a break. Breaks are important. They keep you sane. Sanity is good.

Here are some warning signs that you may be spending too many hours in front of your computer.

It’s time to take a break:

When you get up from your chair and your body refuses to unfold into an upright position. Continue reading →

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March 30, 2012

For Your Viewing Pleasure – Flash Fiction Friday

“Stop garfrumpting. He’ll hear you.”

“I can’t help it. Look at her.”

“Oh my God! What happened to everything? Where is everyone? Bobby? Sally? Billy?” The woman ran up and down the deserted road where her house once stood. The new truck Bobby had bought her last week was old and rusty.

The two Forlucks looked through the kamkrit and watched the Earthling’s reaction to her first time travel experience as they both broke into garfrumpter which eventually turned into loud snorting through their long bulbous snouts.

“I wish Earth people weren’t so boring.”

“Boring?”

“That is sarcasm. It is a type of Earthling humor.”

From an overhead speaker the commander shouted, “Hey you two Forlucks, get back to work!”

~*~*~

For more sarcasm check out Nothing But the Sound of Crickets

Did you find yourself laughing along with the aliens?

For more flash fiction from the Fictioneers check out Madison Wood’s blog

Photo by Madison Woods

This is my 100th post. Woo Hoo!

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March 28, 2012

Nothing But the Sound of Crickets

Striking up conversation with random people is something I love to do especially when I am running errands. It makes a boring trip to the store much more pleasurable. Sometimes I throw in a bit of humor to add levity to an otherwise mundane situation. I think it surprises some folks so much, that it renders them dumbfounded.  While staring at the shopper/salesperson/bagger with a silly smile on my face, I wait for a reaction.

I have come up with an excuse for their blank dull stare after my feeble attempts to make someone smile. I just assume that they don’t speak English. If they respond by sighing while  giving me an eye roll, that’s when I want to channel Foghorn Leghorn. He’d say, “That’s a joke son. Now look at me when I’m talkin’ to yah.”

Sarcasm is a sort of humor that is a form of teasing. It is often followed by the words, “Just kidding!” In Wisconsin, my friends and I were raised on a steady diet of this type of comedy along with cheese curds and corn on the cob. Continue reading →

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March 26, 2012

A Very Strange Appointment or Where is My Crown?

I recently went to my annual dental check-up. Yes, annual and not 6 month since I rarely have a problem with my teeth. When I was young, I looked forward to the cherry flavored polish and a whiter smile. If you have been following my blog, you know that nothing in my life seems to follow the usual routine and this appointment was no exception.

After signing in with the receptionist, I met the doctor who would be inspecting my pearly whites. I had scrubbed them with baking soda back in the day and had abraded the top of a tooth where it attached to my gum. I would be getting the groove bonded and a cavity filled. Continue reading →

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March 23, 2012

The Salon Confessional – Friday Flash Fiction

The woman had been coming to the salon for years. Michelle had listened to her drone on with the fortitude of a saint. As time progressed, so did the gossip and out of her mouth came snakes, toads, and lizards. Michelle didn’t want to hear the foul blather, but what could she do? She snipped her hair in silence and nodded.

One day, the woman regaled Michelle with the rancid details of her affair with a married man. When Michelle realized it was her friend’s husband,  a smile crossed her face. Continue reading →

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March 21, 2012

Shhh! Don’t Tell Anyone!

Do you remember the last time someone said to you, “Don’t tell anybody, but…”

I would be willing to bet that if you were hooked up to a monitor, your heart rate increased along with your blood pressure.

I bet that you leaned in a little and your voice got lower in pitch and you began speaking in a hushed tone.

I bet that your eyes looked away if you were in a crowd to make sure that without even knowing what top secret information would be passed along, you wanted to be sure that no one else could hear.

I would even be willing to bet that if the person said, “oh, never mind,” that your curiosity would be peaked and you would be very disappointed and frustrated. You might even say, “You can tell me. I can keep a secret.” Continue reading →

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March 19, 2012

Compassion to Concussions

I picked Trinity from The Matrix to go to battle for me in Clay Morgan’s March Movie Madness because she had it all: explosive strength, courage, intelligence, speed, beauty, and she rode a motorcycle like it was an extension of her own amazing body. She had those killer leather outfits, super cool shades and made the ultimate sacrifice to save Neo. Put in my son Kelly’s words, “Trinity was a badass!” Continue reading →

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