Tag Archives: comedy

A bad cold is just like this…

We’re all in denial when experiencing the first sneeze. We’re still feeling great.

1283773005_parkour-wall-climbing

We go about our day and brush off that first little tickle in our throats.

1240302804_nice-bike-trick

Then we notice something just isn’t right.

1295259061_woman-high-jump-fail

Drinking coffee doesn’t snap us out of it. Continue reading

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“It’s Time to Vote!” said Roxy with a cramp in her paw

Thanks to everyone who competed. I’ll have another contest in March.

These captions are hysterical. Some of them got Roxy rolling on the floor laughing. She hasn’t laughed that hard since our family jumped for joy!

Roxy I

My daughter Courtney and son Kelly have made their decisions and the rest is up to you. Vote on the one you like the best and it will get featured on the Wild Ride. The photo of Roxy with the winner’s caption will appear on the right side of my blog. It will be up for a couple of weeks. Cool, right?

If your caption is a finalist, go out and tell your friends and family to come here and vote. Blast it out on Twitter and Facebook. Call your grandma. Email your uncle. Write a blog post. Give the link to your book club, your coworkers, and the random person behind you in the grocery store.

You have until 8:00 AM, Tuesday, February 25th. Mountain Standard Time.

The winner will be announced next Wednesday!

Good Luck!

Are you into pet photos on social media or have you hit the saturation point?

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How to Survive the Polar Vortex

polar vortex 1

In case you haven’t heard, half the US is in a cyclonic weather pattern. It seems the center of the Polar Ice Cap has relocated somewhere between Madison, Wisconsin and Cleveland. The Polar Vortex is threatening to stick around and continue to break low temperature records all over the world. It spawned Winter Storm Leon which trounced through the South. It sprinkled the white stuff on several states which rarely see snow and wreaked havoc with highways and airports. His brother Maximus is bounding in from the west and is licking his heels. Is there no end to PV’s fury?

Noaa_current_snow_ice_canada_usa_1-6-2014Snow cover on January 6th, 2014

Looks like an ice age to me. Will spring ever arrive in our Northern states?

Breck snowstorm 2011

Here are some tips to help you survive the coldest winter on record.

  • Wear a hat to bed. Heat rises and your pillow could cause your ears to freeze off. Continue reading

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Christmas Stalkings

One year, I took extreme measures to find the perfect Christmas gift.

We used to own a wholesale toy and school supply business. On Christmas Eve, my husband Danny would come home with a trash bag full of toys. We would spend hours wrapping the little gifts. Our children grew up and we sold the business. Soon I received my children’s Christmas lists which took me on quests encompassing much of the Denver Metro area.

One year, my son Kelly asked for a Playstation 2. It was the only item on his list. I thought, “Wow! This will be so easy this year. I’ll pick it up and buy a couple of small presents. DONE!”

PS4-Console-wDS4

Not so fast. I walked into Target and stood in front of an empty shelf. I asked the salesman when the next shipment was due to arrive. “We never know when they’re coming in.”  I drove to Best Buy and several other stores. The salespeople gave me the same response.

I started to panic. Where would I find the holy grail of Christmas gifts this year if they manufactured so few of them? I compiled a list of stores and started calling every day. I started recognizing the operator’s voices. Continue reading

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The Boob Report – A Sticky Situation

I bet the photograph of me with the tubes coming out of my body is forever etched in your memory. Sorry about that. I had hoped to get the drains out on Friday, but I had to go into the doctor three more times before they were removed a full week later. It was hard for me to slow down. Imagine!

Talk about shivering before an appointment. I was so afraid yanking the tubes out would hurt like hell since they were so sensitive early in my recovery. They slipped right out and I didn’t feel a thing!

Looking forward to a shower took on a whole new meaning. With no belt, tubes or hand grenade containers to mess with, I was finally free and ready to jump in to really suds up. Then I realized another problem had arisen.

1942 Girl Scout First Aid Kit

Girl Scout First Aid Kit from 1942 – I don’t think Danny broke into this antique.

We had run out of bandages and my husband Danny had placed four old and deteriorating ones over my entry tube holes the night before. They left nasty glue everywhere. Gahhhhhh! I had looked forward to the relief of being drain-free, but now my arms stuck to my sides under my armpits. When I say stuck, I mean my skin stuck together like fly paper!

I took a shower, but nothing would remove the sticky glue.

ME: Oh my God! I can’t believe it! How am I going to get rid of this stupid glue? I waited all this time for some relief and now I have to deal with this shit!

DANNY: What about turpentine?

ME: Are you kidding me? The holes in my body from the tubes are right in the middle of the sticky mess. I can’t put turpentine on my wounds!

Tears welled up in my eyes. 

DANNY: What about fingernail polish remover?

ME: God Danny. Are you serious?

1942 Girl Scout First Aid Kit 2

Or did he???

It was quiet for a while as I moved my arm up and down and watched the skin stick together and then pull apart.

DANNY: What about a Stayfree Mini Pad?

ME: A Stayfree Mini Pad?

After I stopped laughing, I thought about it.

ME: I guess it’s worth a try.

I grabbed a pad from under the sink and folded it in half. Then I stuck it under my armpit.

DANNY: Well? Is it working?

I put my arm down at my side and lifted it up. The skin didn’t adhere!

ME: It worked! A Stayfree Mini Pad? How did you think of that brand?”

DANNY: Their advertising must be working.

Who knew I would be freed by a mini pad?

I HAVE NEW BOOBS.

They’re nipple-less and bionic. I love them! I can throw on a tank top and run (Okay, so I can’t run yet), outside without a bra and I won’t nip out.

There have been four fills so far. I told my reconstructive doctor, “You should post a sign in the waiting room that says, We will pump you up!

I would name my new boobs, Hans and Franz, but come on, they’re girls.

hans_franz

The Fill = Youch!

First the nurse uses a magnet to find the half-dollar size fill area under the skin of my breast and pectoral muscles. I wonder if they will set off alarms while going through airport security… Then she inserts a needle and “pumps me up,” with saline. 50 cc’s hurts like hell, but no pain, no gain. My boobs are stretching out to their original size and my dinky right boob is no longer dinky!

They are not like the soft silicone implants which will replace the expanders in September. These freaks are like headlights, halogen high beams, or Barbie boobs. They stick straight out and are as hard as rock. I smacked one while pulling the clean clothes out of the washer today. Ho! It smarted!

“My new girls could take a bullet for me,” I said to my mom.

My poor mother has never gotten used to my crazy sense of humor.

DUAL PURPOSE

I wondered if Danny could use my new boobs as a flotation device in the untimely event that our plane plunges into the Atlantic while traveling to Europe.

“I could save two people,” I told the nurse while she filled them up.

“They would be easy to grip,” Danny added.

“No. They are filled with saline so you won’t float,” said the straight-faced nurse.

Dang.

NOTE TO SELF:

If I am ever high on the general anesthetic and Oxycontin again, try to remember the drug will obliterate my filters for a whole month. I over-shared my boobectomy with the landscape guys who stopped by to give me an estimate. I told them since I no longer have nipples, I can run around bra-less. “How cool is that?” I asked.

Then I proceeded to tell them my WHOLE double mastectomy story, for FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Next time, pay attention to the color of people’s faces, if their jaws drop and if they start to back away towards their vehicle.

Hey! At least I didn’t flash them…

Can you think out of the box?

Other Boob Reports - 

The Boob Report I – Roadblocks and U-Turns

The Boob Report II – Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Boob Report III – Post-op

The Boob Report IV – Coming Out of the Haze

The Boob Report V – Bosom Boosting Buddies

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The Boob Report – Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Boob Report 3

Thank you so much for the support, positive thoughts and prayers. I have been overwhelmed by your kind comments and blog shout outs and appreciate every one of them!

For the first Boob Report, click here.

When it finally sunk in that I have breast cancer, I realized my name would soon have the attachment, breast cancer survivor. When other women have been introduced that way, it has always intimidated me. I mean, what had I survived in comparison?

“This is my friend Janie. She’s a breast cancer survivor.”

I would rack my brain and think to myself, “I’m Susie Lindau. I am a yeast infection survivor.”

The most horrible reality to all of this is that cancer will always be associated with my name. Sheesh! I am a Wild Rider. I am an upbeat and happy person. I don’t want this heavy mantle hanging over my shoulders.

I figure that if I can’t change the fact that I have cancer, I can try to change the way people think about it.

For one thing, my breasts and the subsequent testing continue to have their funny moments. Continue reading

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An Open Letter to Prince Harry

Dear Prince Harry,

It has come to my attention that you will be visiting our fair state this weekend. As your motorcade drives to Colorado Springs from DIA, I am sure you will be struck by the impressive beauty of the Front Range and the Rocky Mountains.

sunset

You will be attending the 2013 Warrior Games. According to the Colorado Springs Gazette, “The teams compete in seven sports – archery, cycling, shooting, sitting volleyball, swimming, track and field, and wheelchair basketball. The event is designed to help the recovery of the 260 wounded, ill, and injured servicemen and women participating.” You will be a spectator at the Olympic Training Center for a volleyball exhibition on Saturday and a cycling competition at Falcon Stadium on Sunday.

These are all well worth your time and yet a thought occurred to me. After traveling thousands of miles across the world for these wonderful events, why not sneak out of the Springs on Saturday night to stop by one of the jewels of Colorado?

The Boulder Flatirons

Boulder is by far one of the must-see attractions of our state. It boasts the University of Colorado’s red-tiled roofed campus complete with the Flatirons rock formation in the backdrop. Our college co-eds are the most attractive in the country. No, I am not biased because my daughter attends the University.

Chautauqua

It is within walking distance of many hiking trails. I am sure after being cramped on an airplane for so many hours your secret service would appreciate stretching their legs while taking in the fresh mountain air and views of the Boulder Valley.

It is home to Pearl Street, an outdoor mall filled with eclectic people, shops, buskers and musicians.  After your hike and shopping you could relax in one of Boulder’s popular micro-breweries.  I think they may give England a run for their money, but hey, you can prove me wrong.

Pearl Street Mall

You have probably heard that marijuana use has recently been decriminalized. Although lawmakers are still working out the details, you won’t get arrested for inhaling while you are visiting.

Boulder is considered a foodie town which means it is home to many amazing restaurants, some of which are the finest in the country.

There is a wide range of choices for nightlife including DJ’d nightclubs, roof top bars and places to enjoy local bands.

dj ksmash

Before returning to Colorado Springs, I would recommend stopping by one of our specialty cupcake bakeries open late in case you get the munchies.

Prince_Harry

You will be glad you came to Boulder. If you get into any trouble for upsetting the royal itinerary, I would be happy to take full responsibility.

Unfortunately, my unmarried daughter is out of town this weekend. I don’t suppose you would consider extending your stay through Monday.

Sincerely yours,

Susie Lindau

Prince Harry’s photo from Wikimedia commons

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Leaping for Love, Lust and Lulu on Valentine’s Day

Along with bushy eyebrows, Lulu had been burdened with helicopter parents. She never had a moment alone with little Harold. They had dated for two years without a single kiss.

Towering over him had been a turnoff. Sitting down put him at ease.

Harold came a-calling on Valentine’s Day. Electricity shot between them the moment he entered the room. She had to have him.

the date 1 Continue reading

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The Visit – A Photo Essay

California girls

Hanging out with the California girls – Debra Kristi, Debra Eve, Lynn Kelley, August McLaughlin and me. We can’t keep our hands off Thor.

I found Debra Kristi’s blog through her Immortal Mondays where she covers many different types of legends, myths and folklore. I met Debra in person while visiting California. She introduced me to Thor. He has been on a world tour ever since.  When she asked if I would like to host her little friend, of course I jumped at the chance. I planned to show the God of Thunder a great time in Colorado!

After Thor arrived, my daughter Courtney introduced him to the village. He didn’t waste any time.

Courtney and Thor1

Continue reading

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Rocky Mountain High

Along with the re-election of our President, Coloradans legalized marijuana. What does that mean? It is now legal to grow six plants in homes across the state. Adults over the age of 21 will be able to purchase an ounce from regulated retail stores, but publicly rolling a joint won’t be tolerated inside or outside.

I am sure that early revelers will be out and about smoking a bowl in celebration, but the amendment won’t be certified for up to two months according to the Boulder Daily Camera.

Personally, my lungs can’t handle cigarette smoke and I detest the stinky smell of weed, so I won’t be partying down.

Remember the characters Cheech and Chong? They were popular when I was in college. I can just imagine a conversation between the two of them. Continue reading

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