Tag Archives: satire

The Lost Art of Whistling

The organic use of communication called the whistle has been around for a while. The original tweet probably was expressed by a caveman. He may have accidentally whistled while dashing home for supper. Later, it alerted his clan to imminent danger, meaning, “Dude! Look out for those crazed and hungry mastodons behind you!” Dinosaurs are extinct and the whistle is increasing in rarity.

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When I was a kid, I heard a whistle nearly every day.

My dad loved to imitate birds, even warblers. After hearing one summon a mate from a faraway tree, he would whistle to it for kicks and giggles. It would fly closer and closer. This nasty trick worked best on cardinals. Imagine their disappointment when the poor bird discovered it was only stupid human producing the intoxicating siren call and not a voluptuous feathered friend. Continue reading

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An Open Letter to My Boobs

Dear Bionic Boobs,

I know you’ve been adjusting to your new digs since the reconstruction surgery seven months ago. I’ve protected you from wild elbows, supported you with a bra, and exercised you by smooshing you girls together. (Doctor’s orders.) You seem happy enough and pretty perky.

I do have some concerns.

One night, I looked down and you had wandered off to the sides of my chest. You left four inches between you two. I almost had a heart attack. I thought I’d torn something while vacuuming.  As you know, I’ve started wearing a sport’s bra to bed to corral you at night, so I don’t wake up and freak out.  I wish you girls would stick together.

Although you’re shaped like hamburger buns and aren’t huge by any means, you weigh more than my old boobs. In fact, you’re a little on the hefty side. The doctor suggested some exercises to build muscles in my back to keep from hunching over.

I thought I’d never need to wear a bra again, but apparently some of your sisters have sagged. I’ve been instructed to wear one when I’m active. Bummer. You’re a little wrinkly when you’re just hanging out, but I refuse to get a fat transfer. You’ll have to get used to that.

You look totally fake and I’m sure some people will stare and roll their eyes this summer. They’ll think I had a boob job. I can always wear this t-shirt. Continue reading

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A bad cold is just like this…

We’re all in denial when experiencing the first sneeze. We’re still feeling great.

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We go about our day and brush off that first little tickle in our throats.

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Then we notice something just isn’t right.

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Drinking coffee doesn’t snap us out of it. Continue reading

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This Just In!

The Polar Vortex has affected weather patterns and has also changed migration. Geese have been spotted on the equator while Antarctic penguins could be found walking single file along northbound highways.

After record snow this winter, Colorado ski areas are considering staying open until the 4th of July. They plan to close with a bang.

Old ski photo Continue reading

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With or Without a Lover, This Valentine’s Day Is Yours!

Those without a loved one to share Valentine’s Day have more in common with the tradition of sending Valentine’s Day cards than those with a lover.

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I thought the Victorians began the tradition with their sentimental, flowery, lacy, and cupid adorned cards:

The couple meets at a soiree where the fine lady’s heart beats like a caged canary. The gentleman wears gloves and even with them worries he’ll leave a thumbprint on the greeting card. He escorts her to a small chamber not far from the ballroom. Her cheeks flush with the touch of his warm hand on her back. It sends a thrill of which she is not accustomed. He pulls the declaration of love from his breast pocket and presents it with a bow. She smiles, rips it open and gasps when she sees two naked cupids complete with jiggly bits dancing in the sky. Underneath are the words “Be My Lover.” She drops the card and trounces from the room.

And that is when the gentleman became acquainted with the florist’s establishment around the corner which he frequented in years to come.

Cupids and heart Valentine

Sending cards began more than 400 years earlier with a French romantic poet, of course! It did not begin with the uptight Victorians, but the English had their part in history.

The French nobleman, Charles I de Valois, Duke of Orleans fought against the English and became trapped in his own armor. (How does that happen? “Help me! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!) In 1415, he took up residence as a prisoner in the Tower of London. Continue reading

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Greeking Out on Hyperbole and the Winter Olympics

I am the hyperbole queen and didn’t even know what it meant. I must have been sick that day. When friends said, “You’re so hyperbolic,” I probably thought they said, “hyperactive,” and nodded my head.

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The original big fish story.

A hyperbole is an exaggeration that is not to be taken literally. The name for “exceeding the truth,” originated in the 1500’s in Greece.

That got me thinking. Greece is the birthplace of the Olympic Games. It can’t be a coincidence. I can imagine some Greek god-looking dude saying, “Whoa. I threw that javelin like a thousand meters today. It raced with Cupid across the sky.” Continue reading

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How to Survive the Polar Vortex

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In case you haven’t heard, half the US is in a cyclonic weather pattern. It seems the center of the Polar Ice Cap has relocated somewhere between Madison, Wisconsin and Cleveland. The Polar Vortex is threatening to stick around and continue to break low temperature records all over the world. It spawned Winter Storm Leon which trounced through the South. It sprinkled the white stuff on several states which rarely see snow and wreaked havoc with highways and airports. His brother Maximus is bounding in from the west and is licking his heels. Is there no end to PV’s fury?

Noaa_current_snow_ice_canada_usa_1-6-2014Snow cover on January 6th, 2014

Looks like an ice age to me. Will spring ever arrive in our Northern states?

Breck snowstorm 2011

Here are some tips to help you survive the coldest winter on record.

  • Wear a hat to bed. Heat rises and your pillow could cause your ears to freeze off. Continue reading

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Boycott the Madness

Back in the day, the Friday after Thanksgiving was the traditional kick-off for holiday shopping. After perusing the advertisements in the morning, we would devise a plan for the next day. Then we would enjoy time with our family by watching the Macy’s parade, football games, indulging in delicious food, giving thanks and then relaxing. I am not sure if it was the recession or someone’s complete and utter craziness, but retailers have opened their doors earlier and earlier, slowly creeping into the wee hours of the morning until it was MIDNIGHT.

But this year, they have done the unthinkable. The doors will open at Target, Toys R Us, Sears, and Walmart at 8:00 and 9:00 ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT! The ads will fill the newspaper on Thanksgiving morning, enticing consumers to abandon their evening by offering rock bottom prices on a few items.

This is just sick and wrong people! It is a national holiday. That is supposed to mean a day of rest for ALL Americans. But no! Think of those who are scheduled to work. They have to leave their homes with dinner not fully digested. Think of the people that need to save $20 on a digital camera, a particular toy, or blender. They will leave half their pumpkin pie on their plate as they grab their keys and dash for the car.

Consumerism will consume the best part of our family day. You know, that vegetative state we all enjoy when filled with tryptophan from the turkey.

We must take a stand! Yes take a stand to sit or lay down this Thanksgiving. Yes! Sit and eat and watch television like true Americans and then shop on Friday.

This puts even more pressure on small businesses so remember to shop at the independent retail stores that can’t compete. Thank them for opening their doors at a reasonable hour.

Will you join The Madness or take a stand with me?

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Rocky Mountain High

Along with the re-election of our President, Coloradans legalized marijuana. What does that mean? It is now legal to grow six plants in homes across the state. Adults over the age of 21 will be able to purchase an ounce from regulated retail stores, but publicly rolling a joint won’t be tolerated inside or outside.

I am sure that early revelers will be out and about smoking a bowl in celebration, but the amendment won’t be certified for up to two months according to the Boulder Daily Camera.

Personally, my lungs can’t handle cigarette smoke and I detest the stinky smell of weed, so I won’t be partying down.

Remember the characters Cheech and Chong? They were popular when I was in college. I can just imagine a conversation between the two of them. Continue reading

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Oh No! It Happened Overnight

As I sat on the examining table with a tennis injury to my left hamstring, the nurse practitioner diagnosed a list of other problems with my body. And then it hit me right between my headlights. After gaining a bit of mileage, I have become a high maintenance vehicle.

It was as if I had been transported to an auto repair shop for an oil change and was informed that I needed major overhaul!

Reason for service:

Blown tire – torn hamstring.

Recommended service – 4 weeks of physical therapy.

5 point inspection at physical therapy: Continue reading

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