The Boob Report – A Sticky Situation

I bet the photograph of me with the tubes coming out of my body is forever etched in your memory. Sorry about that. I had hoped to get the drains out on Friday, but I had to go into the doctor three more times before they were removed a full week later. It was hard for me to slow down. Imagine!

Talk about shivering before an appointment. I was so afraid yanking the tubes out would hurt like hell since they were so sensitive early in my recovery. They slipped right out and I didn’t feel a thing!

Looking forward to a shower took on a whole new meaning. With no belt, tubes or hand grenade containers to mess with, I was finally free and ready to jump in to really suds up. Then I realized another problem had arisen.

1942 Girl Scout First Aid Kit

Girl Scout First Aid Kit from 1942 – I don’t think Danny broke into this antique.

We had run out of bandages and my husband Danny had placed four old and deteriorating ones over my entry tube holes the night before. They left nasty glue everywhere. Gahhhhhh! I had looked forward to the relief of being drain-free, but now my arms stuck to my sides under my armpits. When I say stuck, I mean my skin stuck together like fly paper!

I took a shower, but nothing would remove the sticky glue.

ME: Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! How am I going to get rid of this stupid glue? I waited all this time for some relief and now I have to deal with this shit!

DANNY: What about turpentine?

ME: Are you kidding me? The holes in my body from the tubes are right in the middle of the sticky mess. I can’t put turpentine on my wounds!

Tears welled up in my eyes. 

DANNY: What about fingernail polish remover?

ME: God, Danny. Are you serious?

1942 Girl Scout First Aid Kit 2

Or did he???

It was quiet for a while as I moved my arm up and down and watched the skin stick together and then pull apart.

DANNY: What about a Stayfree Mini Pad?

ME: A Stayfree Mini Pad?

After I stopped laughing, I thought about it.

ME: I guess it’s worth a try.

I grabbed a pad from under the sink and folded it in half. Then I stuck it under my armpit.

DANNY: Well? Is it working?

I put my arm down at my side and lifted it up. The skin didn’t adhere!

ME: It worked! A Stayfree Mini Pad? How did you think of that brand?”

DANNY: Their advertising must be working.

Who knew I would be freed by a mini pad?

I HAVE NEW BOOBS.

They’re nipple-less and bionic. I love them! I can throw on a tank top and run (Okay, so I can’t run yet), outside without a bra and I won’t nip out.

There have been four fills so far. I told my reconstructive doctor, “You should post a sign in the waiting room that says, We will pump you up!

I would name my new boobs, Hans and Franz, but come on, they’re girls.

hans_franz

The Fill = Youch!

First the nurse uses a magnet to find the half-dollar size fill area under the skin of my breast and pectoral muscles. I wonder if they will set off alarms while going through airport security… Then she inserts a needle and “pumps me up,” with saline. 50 cc’s hurts like hell, but no pain, no gain. My boobs are stretching out to their original size and my dinky right boob is no longer dinky!

They are not like the soft silicone implants which will replace the expanders in September. These freaks are like headlights, halogen high beams, or Barbie boobs. They stick straight out and are as hard as rock. I smacked one while pulling the clean clothes out of the washer today. Ho! It smarted!

“My new girls could take a bullet for me,” I said to my mom.

My poor mother has never gotten used to my crazy sense of humor.

DUAL PURPOSE

I wondered if Danny could use my new boobs as a flotation device in the untimely event that our plane plunges into the Atlantic while traveling to Europe.

“I could save two people,” I told the nurse while she filled them up.

“They would be easy to grip,” Danny added.

“No. They are filled with saline so you won’t float,” said the straight-faced nurse.

Dang.

NOTE TO SELF:

If I am ever high on the general anesthetic and Oxycontin again, try to remember the drug will obliterate my filters for a whole month. I over-shared my boobectomy with the landscape guys who stopped by to give me an estimate. I told them since I no longer have nipples, I can run around bra-less. “How cool is that?” I asked.

Then I proceeded to tell them my WHOLE double mastectomy story, for FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Next time, pay attention to the color of people’s faces, if their jaws drop and if they start to back away towards their vehicle.

Hey! At least I didn’t flash them…

Can you think out of the box?

Other Boob Reports – 

The Boob Report I – Roadblocks and U-Turns

The Boob Report II – Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Boob Report III – Post-op

The Boob Report IV – Coming Out of the Haze

The Boob Report V – Bosom Boosting Buddies

167 thoughts on “The Boob Report – A Sticky Situation

  1. Holy whack-a-doodle! They’re hard and they won’t float? What the hell? How long before those puppies soften up?

    I’m glad you’re taking this all in stride and with a good sense of humor. I’d be frustrated beyond crazy. And I wouldn’t have had any mini pads on hand because I don’t need that stuff any more. Goodness gracious. I guess I’d have resorted to Vaseline or something like that.

    I hope the recovery process gets better for you. At least you’re tubeless. You may be sticky, but you’re tubeless. One thing at a time.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

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    • The mini pads did the trick! So funny.
      My boobs will be soft after the expanders are swapped out for the soft stuff in September. Until then, they are like tennis balls with no bounce. Hahaha!
      Thanks Patricia!

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  2. Your courage and sense of humour are phenomenal! So glad you’re liking your new nippleless boobs and all is progressing well. Mini pads saved the day… who knew? Think you should definitely write that book! It would be inspirational for other women in the same situation. Stay strong and keep laughing🙂

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    • I think I will write it once this is over and waaaaay behind me..Thank you!
      I know. Mini-pads. So weird how they worked. I thought they left a residue that covered the stickiness, but It seemed to get rid of it! Hilarious!

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  3. I think we both know where the bandages came from now don’t we. Dan redeemed himself by first thinking of the stayfree pad, but more importantly suggesting it out loud.
    I laughed out loud just thinking of the landscapers face. I have know doubt you were the talk of the office, which is good…it’s called awareness.
    Glad to see you in my inbox today!

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    • He used some bandages from the bottom of a bag from a vacation several years ago. It is weird how the adhesive went bad. Probably full of toxins too. ***shivers***
      I haven’t seen the landscapers since….no surprise there!
      Thanks Lisa!

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  4. Oh yeah. Missing filters.

    After bowel surgery I told everybody all about my bowel movements. The strangest part? Everybody was interested!

    If it helps you tell your stories. Period. (I pooped three times today,if you must know.)

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    • Thanks Nelle! It has been pretty crazy, but I am motoring now. Well, kind of motoring. I want to ask the PT today about running a very little bit, like to dodge oncoming traffic…getting hit would be an irony I don’t want to experience!🙂

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  5. Hey, how you doin? We luv your spunk! I’m listening to American patriotic tunes, remembering your brave posts. I feel just like you, after all what have you to lose? Go read my very first novella, Kiss Ride, n I call somebody’s fake boobies … Trixie n Dixie! That just fits us from the South. Happy fourth and I wish you well. My neighbor on vaca had a lumpectomy and sister died two years ago from stage 4 … So there is so many stories, but happy is the only way to live. Live for love, too.😉

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  6. Ya know WD-40 is supposed to be good for removing gooey stuff, Susie, and just think, with all that lubrication your arms would move so much easier. Good to hear you’re doing ok. Stay well!
    Paul

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  7. Turpentine? Finger nail polish remover? Really? Be afraid, be very afraid. Danny please. Yikes! Just a little FYI. In the future, if you ever need to get rid of any extra adhesive or sticky stuff, use rubbing alcohol. Yep, it’s an old remedy, but it works. In the meantime, I’ll have to remember mini pads. That was quite inventive, I’ll give you guys that. Holy cow Susie, thank God for your sense of humor girl. And keep up the great attitude. There is an end to all of this madness. Just know we love you!🙂

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    • Thanks Karen! I hope that it is the only sticky situation I face for a long while! The glue was so nasty, alcohol didn’t work.
      I bet there is a book in the making for uses of mini-pads!
      After coming out on the other side of it, I know it will only get better. There is nothing like family and friends like you to help me along! My sense of humor is a constant companion…🙂

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    • I sure can make jokes! It amazes me how they keep popping into my head…I get a kick out of the reactions I get. Sometimes I start explaining since they just stare at me!🙂
      Thanks Matthew!

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  8. Susie, you sense of humor will .. make your joureny so much easier … and it will also help your body and soul to heal. So happy that you’re doing so well as you do and you can look at your situation with a smile at most time – the best medicine there is. If it hadn’t been for my sense of humor I wouldn’t be doing so well as I do neither. We have to be able to joke about our situation. Susie, just carry on being you .. and you will be just fine and soon.

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    • Thanks Viveka! I am sure that my take on this has shocked some people, but if I think of something funny I share it. You know better than anyone how important it is to keep on smiling!!!

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      • I take the hat off for you …. we have to deal with things the way we are comfortable with – and if somebody don’t like that approach, not much we can do.
        Keep on to joke and laugh – best medicine ever.

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  9. Note to self: cancel the gardner and housekeeper for the entire month of August. Oh, Susie, you crack me up. It’s refreshing to know that my sense of humor, which is similar to yours, will help see me through. Thanks for being my trailblazer! xoxo

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    • Have fun with it! Boobs are funny and everyone’s journey is just a little bit different. I just started cleaning again. I had to vacuum the table tops! Hahaha!
      Thanks for stopping by! Keep all of us in the loop!

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  10. You have the best sense of humor, Susie, and I can see Danny just goes with the float–I mean flow! Thank you for the giggles. Amazing that your new girls are growing so fast. I’m glad Danny came up with a solution for the sticky situation (who woulda thunk that would happen?) and sorry the procedure with the saline is painful. Nothing compared to the surgery and recovery, though, huh? Sounds like the worst is over. I hope so. Happy 4th to you and your lovely family!

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    • I hope you had a great 4th too! I would imagine it was a Kelley fun fest!
      Ours was very fun too!
      The girls are done growing as of today. I got my last fill. I am medicating with a glass of well-deserved wine tonight!
      The worst IS over! Yeah!
      Thanks Lynn!

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  11. There is nothing quite so fun as making other folk blush. I know I should probably not take so much joy out of it, but there it is…I’m a bit evil.😉

    Glad the Stayfree pad worked! You’re awesome. Thanks for always finding ways to make the rest of us laugh with you.

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    • They could if you mean nipples, but at this point, I don’t think I want them for several reasons. I will blog a nipple post after my vacation sometime…😉
      Thanks Col!

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      • I did mean n… n… nun… ni…. what you said! 🙂
        Would have thought having permanently cheeky ones would be part of the compensation, but look forward to your clarification!

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  12. Susie, I love seeing the Boob Report in my inbox! So glad you’re healing well, in spite of the recent sticky situation (and I do think you should have flashed them, that would have been priceless, lol). I totally think you’re the absolute best person to write a book about it – there are women all over the world who would be grateful to you; both for the inspiration and the information you share so wonderfully! Always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and sending gentle hugs and love to you! ~ Julie xoxox

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    • Thanks so much Julie!
      I am keeping them covered even though without nipples they seem to be self-censored.🙂
      I would love to write a book after my first year is over. I don’t think many approach any obstacle with humor, but I have learned it is the best way! (and pretty easy for me)

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  13. That’s it . . I’m keeping Stayfree in my storage closet from now on. And as for those bionic boobs? UFC baby! I’ll be your manager, Danny and me can make a run to Vegas to get you on the card.

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  14. I’ve been away from the blogging world for a bit, and I so missed your amazing humor. You’re an inspiration! Keep healing, keep laughing.

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  15. Tough, pumped up, and ready to conquer the world — if your new boobs were on the international tennis circuit they would totally be Venus and Serena Williams! Give those sweater puppies another couple of years and they might just bring you home a Wimbledon trophy.

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  16. Can’t imagine those bionic boobs. What’s like a walking fast/running?? Do the girls have to fully inflated…am just thinking 90% full might be more comfortable?

    Cheers, for a recovery (I see you’re on foreign travels which is great) and memorable time with family.

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    • Hey Jean!
      I haven’t been running. They feel like I have plastic cups in my chest which is what they are! They are full of saline and have stretched with every fill so they are just as uncomfortable now as they would have been if I had stopped filling them a while ago.
      I will get the silicone implants on the 28th and this will all be over!
      Thanks so much! The trip was amazing and exactly what I needed.🙂

      Like

  17. Pingback: The Boob Report – Warning: Wild Rapids Ahead | Susie Lindau's Wild Ride

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