How to Survive the Polar Vortex

In case you haven’t heard, half the US is in a cyclonic weather pattern. It seems the center of the Polar Ice Cap has relocated somewhere between Madison, Wisconsin and Cleveland. The Polar Vortex is threatening to stick around and continue to break low temperature records all over the world. It spawned Winter Storm Leon which trounced through the South. It sprinkled the white stuff on several states which rarely see snow and wreaked havoc with highways and airports. His brother Maximus is bounding in from the west and is licking his heels. Is there no end to PV’s fury?

Snow cover on January 6th, 2014

Looks like an ice age to me. Will spring ever arrive in our Northern states?

Here are some tips to help you survive the coldest winter on record.

• Wear a hat to bed. Heat rises and your pillow could cause your ears to freeze off.
• Get acclimated. Strip down and jump in the snow. Roll around and count to 10. Then hit a warm shower. Repeat this exercise a couple times a day and soon you’ll be wearing shorts and a t-shirt while picking up your newspaper from the snowy curb.
• Quit shaving. This goes for women too. All those little hairs trap body heat. Make a waxing appointment for May or June.
• Sleep with a friend, a lover, a neighbor or all of the above. Hey. This is serious. You have to stay warm.
• Don’t have any friends? Buy or adopt a dog. With a record-breaking winter like this, you’ll need three of them to keep you warm. You’re a cat person? You’ll need twenty.
• Layer up. To stay warm indoors, slip on your Lycra workout clothes and wool socks. Throw on your long undies, sweat pants, turtleneck, and wool sweater. Don’t go outdoors without a one-piece ski or snowmobile suit, hat, face mask and goggles. Wear wool gloves under your mittens. Make sure to pee before you dress.
•  Start baking bread, buns, cakes and cookies. Leave the oven door open after you finish to help heat the room. The couple extra pounds you will gain will create a nice layer of fat to keep you warm.

• Beat cabin fever. Get cable. You can’t afford to get stuck in a snow drift while driving to the movie theater. There are plenty of shows to watch on TV or your computer including Downton Abbey‘s first 3 seasons and 5 seasons of Breaking Bad. If you really go stir crazy, you can catch up on old episodes of Dr. Who. That series began in 1963.
• Stay hydrated. Wine contains resveratrols which builds your immune system and wards off the flu. Okay. So there’s no proof. Have a glass and you’ll forget about the storm brewing outside your window.
• If all else fails, fly to Colorado. We are the home to 300 sunny days.

Here’s a warm weather photo of the Front Range during summer. Maybe it will thaw out a few readers.

How are you surviving the winter?

Related articles:

Polar Vortex

2014 North American Cold Wave  (source of the first two Wikipedia diagrams)

Here is a cool site where you can enter your state to see if there are any weather watches or warnings in your area. Another snowstorm is coming to Colorado. Yeah!

ColdGear from Under Armour

Disclaimer: The outdoor patio photo is from Breckenridge in 2011. I can only dream of another winter like that!