An Open Letter to My Boobs

Dear Bionic Boobs,

I know you’ve been adjusting to your new digs since the reconstruction surgery seven months ago. I’ve protected you from wild elbows, supported you with a bra, and exercised you by smooshing you girls together. (Doctor’s orders.) You seem happy enough and pretty perky.

I do have some concerns.

One night, I looked down and you had wandered off to the sides of my chest. You left four inches between you two. I almost had a heart attack. I thought I’d torn something while vacuuming.  As you know, I’ve started wearing a sport’s bra to bed to corral you at night, so I don’t wake up and freak out.  I wish you girls would stick together.

Although you’re shaped like hamburger buns and aren’t huge by any means, you weigh more than my old boobs. In fact, you’re a little on the hefty side. The doctor suggested some exercises to build muscles in my back to keep from hunching over.

I thought I’d never need to wear a bra again, but apparently some of your sisters have sagged. I’ve been instructed to wear one when I’m active. Bummer. You’re a little wrinkly when you’re just hanging out, but I refuse to get a fat transfer. You’ll have to get used to that.

You look totally fake and I’m sure some people will stare and roll their eyes this summer. They’ll think I had a boob job. I can always wear this t-shirt.



I have noticed some very positive attributes since your arrival.

During ski season, your sacks of silicone acted like hot water bottles and kept me warm. I don’t know how that will translate during the summer. I plan to open the freezer door in the grocery store to cool you down before hitting the hot asphalt parking lot. You may work like refrigeration units!

My doctor informed me I wouldn’t play tennis like before my double mastectomy, but since I’ve been back, I’ve played better. It must be the new ballast your weight provides when using centrifugal force as I swing through the ball. You seem to put more velocity into every shot.

When wearing a bra, you do rise to the occasion and give me pretty nice cleavage. I can’t complain about that!

I’m sure we are still adapting to this new arrangement. You probably don’t like it when I roll onto my stomach. I felt a twinge of pain the last time. It gives me hope my nerves are waking up and you girls won’t continue to be numb.

I may never get used to the constant feeling of plastic sacks under my pectoral muscles, but I’m glad I opted for reconstruction. Even though you’re not what I expected, you’re growing on me.

Your Host,
Susie Lindau


Click HERE for the first Boob Report in the series.

Thanks to Darla from She’s a Maineiac for the Open Letter idea. 

The t-shirt is from Cafe Press

Click for more of my wild Colorado life and travel adventures!

I wrote a letter to my bionic boobs. They had to be put in their place after a double boobectomy. Inspirational breast cancer stories, health, entertainment, funny blog posts, comedy, humor, life lessons, personal growth, positivity #humor #breastcancer #cancer #health #funnyblogposts

438 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Boobs

Add yours

  1. Wow. What an amazing way you write about the wonderful conversation between you and your two twin-sister guests, who are now family. Kudos.


  2. Reblogged this on mr. pickles dad and commented:
    Help someone you love beat this horrific disease, support by volunteering or by donating whatever you can. My lovely wife has been clear for thirteen years, I support the Susan B Kaman.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That was amazing. I’m glad that it’s working for you. I’m studying to one day become a surgeon and it’s pleasing to see plastic surgery work for you. I hope all goes we for you.


    1. I found this incredible. Making such a funny story on top of a depressing situation shows what a great lady you are. I can’t wait to hear what your boobs have to say back.


      1. Thank you so much!
        A couple of readers have asked about a response letter. I haven’t received any open letters from “the girls” yet, but will definitely blog about it if and when they do!


    2. It definitely has gone well. I think I’ll eventually let the girls run wild at night. I’m sure I won’t wake up to find them under my arms!
      There are 13 more Boob Reports to check out.
      Good luck to you on your journey in Medical School!


  4. Hi Susie, This is so hilarious! I’m so glad I met you at the PPWC today. Looking forward to connecting with you.


  5. Reblogged this on Tripping Over Cancer and commented:
    Here’s a brilliant post from Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride. To be sure, I will follow up with a letter to my frankenboobies. I have so much to say to them, the rascals.


    1. Thanks so much for the reblog!
      I am sending prayers and positive vibes to your wife. She’s already been through the tough part and soon she’ll be BIONIC! You have to buy her the t-shirt! Reconstruction, although not as brutal, still has its recovery period of 8 weeks.

      I’ve written 14 of these humorous Boob Reports which chronicle my own journey. Feel free to pass them along to your wife. They’re sure to bring a smile. 🙂


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