An Open Letter From My Boobs

Dear Susie Lindau,

For thirteen months, we’ve hung out in our new residence behind your pectoral muscles. It has taken us a while to get used to the cramped quarters, but we are adjusting. We understand you are trying to make us feel at home. Although, we totally appreciate the effort, sometimes, you freak us out.

First of all, why do you grab us every time you tell someone about your double boobectomy? The shock alone turns our silicone hearts to ice. One minute we’re chillin’ while you’re yammering on with a friend, an acquaintance, or some random person you just met. Then you snatch us in fists so tight, well, it’s disturbing. We understand you like to talk with your hands, but quit feeling us up.

grabbing my boobs

You are pretty insensitive. We are adopted. We know you miss your old boobs. We will never replace them, but we’re doing our best. Could you at least stop complaining about how weird we feel? You’ve been told the odd feeling will go away. We were there. Remember?

And speaking of being told, we were also in the office when the doctor said you could go braless. The only time you really need to wear one of those constrictive contraptions is when you’re playing tennis, running, or dancing at one of your blog parties. Lighten up! Give us some freedom! So far, we’re nipple-less. We won’t offend anyone.

Wearing a supportive cami at night is ridiculous. Even if we do wander off to the sides of your chest, our pockets are so secure now, nothing will stretch them out while you’re sleeping. We have taken offense to your accusation that we have a weight issue. Your old boobs were probably pretty dinky.

Please stop rolling onto your stomach. You have almost crushed us to the point of exploding. It is stifling and suffocating.

As for the exercises which are so uncomfortable, we have to admit squeezing us together for ten seconds, ten times a day is imperative. We want to keep the muscle walls soft and comfy. They go rigid and we go back into surgery. That would not be fun for any of us.

Would you please stop telling people how we look like balls cut in half? You wouldn’t get the fat transfer to fill in above us, so stop groaning about it. Sure we look fake, but at least we look like boobs. From what you’ve said to others, we’re a lot better than your old boobs anyway, old, being the key word.

Fake boob t-shirt

You love adventure and we want you to know we’ll go anywhere your wild life takes us. We were super stoked to go skiing last year. We love biking and hiking and hope you’ll continue to seek out new thrills. We are young and ready for anything.

We know you went through hell with cancer. We were so relieved when we heard after one year, you were cancer-free. We’re not sure if you felt it, but we did a happy swirly dance.

Since the feeling is coming back all the way to the scars, we really don’t mind if you touch us once in a while. It is pretty amazing!

If you decide you want nipple tattoos, we talked it over and we’re cool with that. We have tatted up artificial knee and hip cousins. We can take it. We’re badass.

We hope you’ll continue to adopt and adapt to us as strange as we may seem. Come on. You have to admit, you’re quirkier than us. We may seem clingy, but eventually the three of us will be tight. We’ve decided to stick with you and look forward to a very long and adventurous life. Your flat has totally become our pad.

Sincerely,

Your Bionic Boobs

For An Open Letter To My Boobs, click HERE.

For the first Boob Report in the series, click HERE.

Thanks to Courtney Lindau for taking the photo and to Alex and her dog for joining in the fun. Yes. She was a random person on the street who I chatted up about my boobs. Busted! 

148 thoughts on “An Open Letter From My Boobs

  1. Good for you! Cancer is tough to deal with (I’m a cancer survivor) and losing your breasts to cancer is a double whammy! It’s great they can build new boobs that look great.

    I have a two close friends who had double mastectomies. One got bionic boobs after her cancer several years ago. My other friend, who I found out had cancer the same time as me, choose to be without boobs.

    According to my friend with the bionic boobs, I’m the only person she has ever told about her cancer and fake boobs, and I swore to not tell anyone who knows her about it. She said she was so depressed after dealing with the cancer and losing her breasts, she didn’t know what to do. Her dad had died weeks before her diagnosis, and she was estranged from the rest of her family, so she was totally alone through her treatments and surgeries. She said the nurses and doctors talked her into the having her breasts rebuilt, and she is happy she did, because she looks like a normal woman with clothes on, and since no one but her and her doctors see her naked, her secret is safe. She explained the surgeries and process she went through for the doctors to reconstruct her breasts — it was an interesting process.

    My other friend is not at all secretive about her cancer, and she is as proud of her now flat chest as you are of your new boobs. I had not seen her for a couple of years while I was dealing with cancer. I saw her recently she said told me she was diagnosed with breast cancer not long after my diagnosis. She said they cut off both breasts, at which point she popped out her chest, pointed to where her boobs were and said “It’s staying this way. What the hell do I need breasts for at my age?”

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    • Thanks so much, Timothy! They’re like hamburger buns, but I’m not complaining!
      I’m glad to meet another survivor. You have some amazing friends!
      It’s a very personal choice. Although I would never have gone for a “boob job” before cancer, it was the right choice for me. They are pretty weird and with the feeling coming back I feel them all the time. *whispers so they don’t hear. I don’t want any more letters!*

      I haven’t chosen to complete the reconstruction with nipples for the same reason as your second friend. If I was in my twenties or thirties it might be different. I could change my mind later, but for now I am happy with my nipple-less Barbie boobs.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and for the amazing comment!

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  2. A double boobectomy? LOL! I see double, and know you just made that word up! You know? We go together like two fleas in a Cod! However, swimming in this sea of humanity, dare you even notice my fantastical accu-beauts? PRAY TO ME!!! Awe nuts! if you only knew… Even as I pick my nose now, you’ll never agree to computer chip sex! ‘Just how might we pull that off anyway?’ you may well ask… With a lot of sucking up! That’s how! Oh your greatnesses! Allow me to sniff your comedy? Just once smore? Please? Double booby please, with sprinkles on top? Your post really grabs me ;O)

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    • I’m not Anonymous! I’m not! You planned this just to get backectomy! My name is Finephiner. Don’t laugh, or I swear, to God and The Queen, I’ll play a tune with my butt, such as you’ve never heard before! It’s goes kinda like: ‘Oh Canada’… A little squeaky at times, butt basically in tune. It’s a rare talent, yet one day I hope to attract an audience wearing gas masks! Are you in or out? ‘Better out than in’, I always say…

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  5. I’m amazed at the vocabulary and feisty attitude of your new boobs. They must be such entertaining company every day. Thanks for sharing their thoughts. Funny girls. I just followed you so I can keep up with their progress and all the snow in Colorado (since snow in NC is easily blown away by pursing one’s lips and giving it a puff.

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