I Celebrated a Birthday, But Failed to Save a Life.

Have you ever taken a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation class? I took one for a babysitting badge when I was in Girl Scouts. I remember the plastic dummy and going through the routine while hoping to God I’d never have to use it. Flash forward a few decades.

On March 9th, I flew back to Wisconsin for my mom’s eighty-seventh birthday. My brother, Joe McCartan, ordered a cake and I picked up flowers. Mom was so surprised! Over dinner that night, she told us she planned to live a long time. For her one-hundredth birthday, she wants a stylist to dye a blue streak in her hair. I love her attitude.

My brother is the king of joking around. I couldn’t get a picture of him when he wasn’t mugging for the camera.  When I left Colorado it was seventy degrees. Check out the temperature on my brother’s iPad.

Two days later, Joe drove to the butcher to buy steaks to grill and went to a chiropractic appointment. In February, he slid on black ice and crashed his car into a telephone pole. It exacerbated an already sore back.

Later, the three of us watched the UW Badgers cream Northwestern by thirty points. Being a yawnfest, Joe texted on his phone. He’s a highly sought after, free-lance, on-location sound technician for major networks, television, movies and corporations. Very excited, he read the thread out loud. It regarded a commercial he had been hired to record. The company wanted to shoot tight shots of musicians playing the oboe, violin and cello. He had texted the high school music teacher, who had all kinds of ideas.

“The kids will love being in a commercial.” Joe was stoked.

“Sounds like you contacted the right person,” I said and yawned. “I think I’ll take a quick nap.” I walked upstairs to my room.

When I returned downstairs, Mom played Words with Friends in the kitchen while the steaks thawed in a pan. I had planned to walk the dog, but Joe had already left with Charlie. I opened my laptop and wrote my last post about daylight savings time. After dinner I thought it would be fun to play a game and take some group selfies.

Always pretty high energy, Joe burst through the door led by their Collie.

“I just missed you,” I said, looking up from my computer.

“Yep,” was all he said. Then he ran up the back stairs to his apartment behind my mom’s Victorian. I heard his footsteps overhead and then settled in to proof my stupid post.

He moved in a year before my dad passed away and has been taking care of Mom. He’s been a godsend, taking her to appointments, shopping and the little things, like setting the table for meals. He brings her tea and puts her eyedrops in before bed. My mom is super sharp, but has glaucoma and hasn’t been able to drive for years.

When Joe didn’t come downstairs, Mom said, “What’s taking him so long? We need to get the steaks on the grill.”

I shrugged and more time passed.

“Go check on Joe,” she said. “I don’t want to eat at 8:00.”

“Give him a few more minutes,” I said, knowing he liked his privacy.

A few more minutes passed and I ran upstairs.

I opened his door and peeked inside. “Hey, Joe!” I shouted. You have to walk through a kitchen to get to the large open, living and dining space.

“Joe! Time to make dinner,” I shouted through the doorway.

No response.

I stepped inside and saw him chilling in front of the computer. His arms relaxed on the armrests, his head was cocked backward and his mouth hung open.

“No wonder you didn’t hear me. You’re sound asleep.”

Still no response.

Something was wrong. “Joe! JOE!” I raced up to him and patted his pale cheeks.

No response.

“Oh, my God!” I felt for a pulse in his neck, but couldn’t find one. His lips were white. He wasn’t breathing. I screamed to my mom. She called 911, hysterical when the operator didn’t understand what was going on. I used my fingertips on his wrist and heard quick taps racing across the surface. Were they mine? 

Just like I’d been taught all those years ago, I started mouth-to-mouth and alternated with the CPR technique I’d learned on the Internet. One, two, three, four, staying alive, staying alive… I’m sure only minutes passed, but it seemed like an hour before the first responders arrived. They tried everything, but couldn’t get a pulse. Hope slipped away.

The paramedics came and hooked up a CPR machine and breathing tube. I went downstairs to check on my mom. Her friends, Kathy and Roger Roth, consoled her on the couch. Time passed. I ran back upstairs. “Did you get a pulse?”

“No, nothing,” one of the paramedics replied. I felt so guilty. I didn’t do it right. I could have saved him, but I failed! I couldn’t stop sobbing.

After answering tons of questions about his health, I went back downstairs. By that time, the funeral director, Bill Hurtley, and the priest from across the street, Fr. Dooley, had arrived. I got to know and love both of them when they took care of my dad’s funeral. Bill brought my mom back from her catatonic state with his dry humor.

Anxiety filled my empty stomach with broken glass. I turned to Bill for support. “I wrote a stupid blog post and didn’t come upstairs in time. I screwed up. I could’ve saved him.” Tears streamed down my cheeks.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “You found him relaxed in his chair, right?”

I nodded.

“There was nothing you could do. He threw a clot,” Bill said.

“What?”

“A blood clot. Believe me, I see a lot of dead people,” he said. “It’s what I do. Heart attacks are pretty uncomfortable. The victim has time to react, so we usually find them on the floor. Throwing a blood clot is painless. It happens to runners all the time. They go for a run and as soon as they sit in a chair, they die.”

“Why am I here if I couldn’t save him?” I asked.

“For your mother,” he said. “If she would have discovered him, it would’ve been a shock she would never have recovered from.” He took a moment and added, “Don’t blame yourself. Even if someone throws a clot in the hospital, no one can save them.”

An autopsy would have cost five to six thousand dollars. Bill insisted it would be a waste of money. Pulmonary embolism. It’s what people get from sitting too long on planes. Who knows where Joe got his clot. Surgery two years ago? The accident? Bumping into something and not telling anyone about it? We’ll never know. He wasn’t on blood thinners. I’m taking a baby aspirin now.

Alive and vibrant one minute and then gone the next. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.

My little brother, who towered more than a foot over me, who did lotus position yoga with me when he was little for giggles, who I took to all kinds of concerts and events when I was in high school and college since I feared our almost ten year age difference would cause us to drift apart. My little brother who I loved dearly is dead at forty-nine years old. I was only a few steps away. How can that be?

He was a saxophone player in a band and was a local celebrity. He worked with people all across the United States. His Facebook and funeral home page are filled with heartfelt shock and condolences. We planned his funeral for March 25th at St. Paul’s Church across the street from their home in Evansville.

Being the writer in the family, I had to write his obituary. It was tough enough when I wrote my dad’s and felt tremendous pressure to do Joe’s life justice. His friend and co-worker, videographer Eric Janisch helped fill in the work details. You can read Joe’s obit here.

Two things I discovered on my own might help others.

  • I couldn’t get the image of him sitting in the chair out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. I must not have blinked the whole time I ran toward him. I stayed up all night. It was the same the next day as neighbors and relatives arrived. My husband, Danny, flew out that afternoon. As I drove toward the Dane County Airport I noticed some perfectly formed trees silhouetted in the snow. I picked one and stared at it as I drove toward it. I closed my eyes and saw the tree. It totally worked. That horrific last image of Joe disappeared, at least from my retinas.
  • Exhausted, I didn’t dare take a nap. Experiencing the shock all over again upon waking is the worst. In the past it has taken weeks for my brain to wrap itself around death. I wondered if saying it out loud to myself would speed up the process. I gave it a try. “Joe is dead. He died and you couldn’t save him. He’s not coming back.” I repeated it again before I picked up Danny and then twice before falling asleep. It worked.

Danny and I have lost half our families in two years; his bother and mom, my dad, then his mom’s boyfriend of fifteen years and now, my brother. It’s devastating to lose the people we love.

What about that quick tapping in Joe’s wrist? I hadn’t told anyone. Even though others shared the cause of death idea, I still wondered if it was instant as the funeral director and doctor claimed.

Days later, I remembered. “Make sure to lay your fingers across the wrist or you’ll feel your own pulse,” the instructor had told the Girl Scouts. I held my husband, Danny’s wrist in a different way. A strong slow pulse throbbed beneath his bones. No quick tapping on the surface. It had been mine I felt, not Joe’s.

There was nothing I could do. He had already passed.

How am I? Better. I’m grateful for the time we had together. Looking back, the timing of my visit seems serendipitous. I’ll embrace my grief and will remember him always.

Joe McCartan

Spring is emerging after a long winter dormancy. I see everything more intensely now and understand life’s fragility. Everyone will die. Life is impermanent. The trick is to live each day with appreciation and wonder.

In memory of my brother, I will start a nightly journal. I’ll list three positive things that happened during the day. He would’ve liked that.

What about my mom?

Many of her friends have offered to help. At this point, she won’t consider moving to Colorado with my brother and dad inurned in Madison. We’ll do whatever it takes to celebrate her one-hundredth birthday. I want to see her rock that blue streak.

157 thoughts on “I Celebrated a Birthday, But Failed to Save a Life.

  1. Susie, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Because I haven’t lost a family member from my same generation yet (at least none that I was close to), I can’t fathom what you’re going through. I don’t know if heart break is any different when we have warning that someone is going to die, than if they here one minute and gone the next. Gone is gone and it all sucks. I hope your heart finds its way through the muck and mire of grief and is able to find its way open again in time. I have a feeling that you’ll be able to recognize signs from your brother before too long.

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  2. Susie, I am very sorry to hear that you and your family are enduring yet another difficult time. I don’t have the right words to express my sincerest condolences, (ironically, I think that I would probably look your way for guidance here). But, in reading this, I can already see from this post that you have the strength and compassion to prevail.

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  3. Oh dear Susie, I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read your post. I’m so sorry for your devastating loss and how you had to experience it. My heart goes out to you. You are right though. You were meant to be there for your mother and for the lovely visit the three of you were having. It sounds like Joe’s last moments were in the comfortable, close embrace of his loving family … just doing “stuff” … and then he was gone. In the best possible way, IMHO. The hard part was left to you and you did your best, all that anyone possibly could. Sending a gentle hug. Life …

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    • Thanks Old Sage. Having gone through the trauma of trying to save him spurred me into seeking help. It has definitely helped. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it too. It’s the ones we love who are the hardest to get over. They leave such a huge hole. Time fills it a little, but it’s up to us to fill the grief with fond memories. It all takes time. I do think my gratitude journal offered up to those who’ve gone before me has helped. Writing about my feelings has also made a difference. But seeing the beauty of life more intensely has been a gift. Hugs to you too!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry Susie ❤ Joe sounds like a wonderful spirit who will be missed by many.
    Images are powerful, especially when they are imprinted in our eyes.
    I will hold you and your family in a positive light for healing and peace.
    My heart breaks for you.

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    • Thanks so much, Lisa. I’m in recovery mode and don’t blame myself anymore. It was a rough couple weeks, for sure. I’ve been imagining all that light and love sent by others and it is helping! I don’t necessarily think people die for a reason, but I have the opportunity to create a purpose, make changes and refocus because of it.
      I’m gradually moving toward onward, upward and forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my God, I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your brother. How shocking. Words can’t express how awful I feel for you and your sweet mother. Sending hugs and prayers. XOXOXO

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  7. Susie! I am so sorry Susie…

    The word that comes… ‘Inseparable…’ … before fore decades when I thought of my sister Sherri’ my heart would pain, now when I think of her, that word comes up from my heart instead of hurt’ … ‘inseparable…’ a timeless word indeed…

    Not sure if you ready for it’ but music if created’ written well’ and sang by the very talented musicians can heel your heart’ good heart felt songs are like finger plugging silly leaky hearts, she still is going to break’ as hearts do you know’ but there are songs Susie which are made for these moments, to turn the world upright once again, you know, cloud chasers, which bring the morning sun back out. I recommend ‘The Very Best of Jackson Browne’ a 2 disk set. Lots of hug soft pillows’ and your best friend’s Danny’ and Roxy.

    Many warm hugs Susie

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  8. Hear me now, Susie…. YOU DID NOT FAIL YOUR BROTHER.
    Without going into too much detail, my wife attended to my father-in-law during his last day; she gave him a pill when we were advised to give him only liquids. He then began to choke and then lapsed into a coma that lasted thirteen hours before he finally passed.
    My wife has always felt tremendous guilt but the truth is this:

    DEATH IS ITS OWN MASTER. IT KEEPS ITS OWN COUNSEL AND FOLLOWS ITS OWN TIMELINE.

    There was literally no way you could have prevailed.
    Honor your brother’s memory by living a full life filled with love and laughter, baby!
    Be well, my dear friend.

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  9. Found your blog through The Bloggess. I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom threw a clot, too, and was gone by the time Dad put her stuff in the car trunk and climbed in the driver’s seat. Of course he called 911 and EMS came and worked on her for over an hour (talk about an image to get out of one’s head). It seemed like such an unnecessary insult, in retrospect. Be gentle with yourself and take care. (PS, I live a little northeast of Madison and my daughter lives in the city.)

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    • I’m so glad you found me, but am so sorry about your mom. It’s a horrific shock, but I think I’ve finally turned a corner toward acceptance. How long ago did that happen to your mom?
      Madison is my hometown. A very cool place to grow up.
      I am trying to get back on track. Little by little, day by day.
      Thanks for your kind words. Nice to meet you, Paulette!

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  10. Susie, just catching up after a few weeks of injury. I save the posts to read… but that means sometimes I find out things, long after they have shocked others. No doubt, you are still processing all of this. Do that. Cry, and cry some more. Walk in the woods, or the mountains and talk aloud to your brother. Grieve and grieve, until you can find some peace. This loss is huge, and such a painful event. Trauma is stored in our bodies (read up on MFR- myofacial release)… so find ways to relive those moments, and shake that grief out.

    Holding you, your mom and those who loved Joe, in my thoughts. xo

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    • Thank you, Dawn. My birthday was one month to the day after he died. It seemed so ominous. The night before, I cried for hours and then I turned a corner. It finally seems real. My gut is accepting it and I’m not waking to knotted stomach.
      I will look into MFR. Thanks so much for reaching out!

      Liked by 1 person

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  12. Susie, I am so saddened and shocked to read this and offer you my sincerest condolences and love from across the pond. I have unfortunately experienced some quite shocking and very close bereavements myself and can sadly relate to how you are feeling on many levels. I am so glad to read, however, that you are choosing to embrace the loss as I feel not to do so is always a dangerous move and many people don’t. Writing a gratitude journal is such an admirable, strong thing to do. Will keep your family in my prayers, if you don’t mind. Love from, Katie x

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